Grimm Fairy Tales #22 review - 'The Snow Queen'

The main story-arc is finally starting to kick in somewhat in this issue of Grimm Fairy Tales, however after twenty-two plus issues and what amounts to almost two years worth of real-time story-telling, that's not exactly an impressive rate of momentum and had I been reading these as they were released I'm not sure I'd have stuck along until now. Such is the advantage of trade-binging I guess.

In any case, the enmity between Sela and Belinda continues to intensify, as the struggle for Timmy's (remember him? The little boy who lied about his neighbour molesting him, and ended up burning his foster family to death? The little scamp!) soul comes to a head. Belinda is manipulating Timmy into embracing the dark side by bullying a girl at his school, eventually escalating into tasking him with pushing her in front of a car. Luckily Sela intervenes just in time and manages to talk Timmy back from the edge of evil and to make him see that there is still good inside him. Yeah, he's a fucking saint...

This story is framed and paralleled by a riff on the Snow Queen story, albeit a very loose adaptation. In this thread Belinda takes on the role of The Snow Queen herself and controls a little boy (Timmy) with the magic dust from the evil mirror in that story. That's about the only real connection to the original tale. Again, in this side of the story Sela stops Timmy just in time before he embraces evil and..smashes a statue...? Yeah.

I enjoyed this issue, however something which has been bothering me over the last few issues and which became more apparent in this one, is that it's not made very clear as to whether the action shown in the 'fairy tale world' is actually happening/happened once upon a time or whether it's just a stylistic method of mirroring the present day story with a fairy tale. I'm inclined to sway towards the former, but that in itself opens up more questions, such as when is this supposed to have happened in the larger time-frame? I'm all for patience and building towards a pay-off/answers in comics and stories in general, but I get the sense with GFT that even the writers don't necessarily know the answers to these questions and are literally making it up as they go. So Belinda is The Snow Queen? Ok, well last we heard she was The Sorcerer's Apprentice and then a genie trapped in a lamp...Here's hoping somewhere down the line there is some clarification at least in regards to how all of these events follow on from one another.

As much as it may sound like I'm hating, I actually really enjoyed this issue and I like that the series seems to be fully embracing a serialised nature rather than the very episodic format of the earlier issues. The series is still very much a guilty pleasure, but the story is getting more intriguing with each passing issue and as a result I'm finding myself actually eager to read on, as supposed to the slight chore that the formulaic issues were becoming. 

The art also appears to improving steadily too. There are still the odd panel or two (or five!) that are glaringly bad and take you out of the story but overall it appears to be on the up. 

I'm pretty much of the mind now of 'just go with it' when it comes to GFT, which is actually part of what makes it so fun. Like that hot-mess friend or co-worker that everyone has, it's fun to tune in to find out what the next crazy, out-there developments are and be swept along for the ride. 

Stray thoughts:

- So if we are to assume that the action with Belinda/The Snow Queen in the 'fairy tale world' takes place in the past, then how does that explain the appearance of the girl from the previous issue who was getting hit on by/murdered her professor in the present...? I'm sure it'll all be explained...right...?

- The framing story that opened this issue surrounding the demon and the evil mirror was actually pretty strong as far as this series goes and it made me optimistic for what this series could do down the line with world-building. Maybe an entire arc set in the fairy tale world would be good to clarify its relationship with the real world.

- People (sorry, WOMEN!) in the fairy tale world sure don't seem to feel the cold by the look of it. I can kind of accept that The Snow Queen might not feel the need for a jacket (what with The Snow Queen and all), but Sela sauntering around in what essentially amounts to a corset and a loincloth is just asking for frostbite. I guess she and Elsa have something in common. 

'Friend Request' Review: Facebook is evil. 'Nuff said.

 

Well it was bound to happen. It's invaded pretty much everything else that we know and love, so it was only a matter of time before Facebook infiltrated the world of horror movies too, and so we get Simon Verhoeven's Friend Request. Whilst never named explicitly (I guess being associated with demonic murder is bad for business), the social network is the framework upon which the story of a group of college students terrorised by a malevolent online entity is told. It's nothing particularly new, it's been done before (and done better) but it's not necessarily all bad.

 

Not all bad sure, but definitely not great either. The plot revolves around popular college student Laura who, after accepting an online friend request from awkward lonely girl Marina, only to later reject her intense insistence on friendship in person, unwittingly plunges her group of friends into a nightmare as Marina (having committed suicide after Laura's rejection) proceeds to harass and haunt the group from beyond the grave via their laptops and smartphones, compelling them to kill themselves in turn in increasingly gruesome ways. Still following? Good.  

 

The concept is pretty fun and had a lot of potential, but the film has a number of flaws. Perhaps greatest amongst these is its characters. Laura and her friends are the kind of characters that I think I was supposed to relate to, but whom in reality are the kind of people whom I simply cannot stand. They're the kind of people who can't spend five minutes without checking their phone or logging into Facebook just in case someone has posted a 'hilarious' video clip or 'super-important' status update. They're the kind of people who post pictures of themselves on nights out (or doing any other activity for that matter) with captions like 'last night was SUCH a shambles' or 'I got so drunk I still can't feel my legs lol!' as if getting drunk and dancing is some sort of achievement, or post selfies with self-deprecating comments designed to garner compliments. They're the kind of people whose friends start dying around them and yet still have the time and inclination to have perfectly painted toe-nails!

 

'OMG, my hair is like SUCH a state! lol'

 

Yes, this is where the film fails the most. There's just no-one in it that I actually care about. In fact from the early montage of the friend group partying, laughing and generally being far too happy and perfect, I actively disliked them. Alycia Debnam-Carey (imagine a doe-eyed cross between Taissa Farmiga and Elizabeth Olsen) puts in an admirable attempt as quasi-final girl Laura, but there's just not enough of a character there to set her apart from Stock College Girl Character #2.

 

In fact perhaps the most relatable character (although perhaps this says more about me than the film itself!) is Marina, the (admittedly pretty whacko!) outsider who after being rejected by Laura and her perfect friends, proceeds to enact her revenge by offing them one by one with the intention of making Laura as lonely as she herself was in life. Sure, an extreme reaction, but she only wanted to be friends and it's easy to see how the constant deluge of photos and statuses depicting the relationships of a group of people she couldn't be part of could lead her to lashing out. It's almost hard not to sympathise with her. Just me...? Moving on!

 

Despite it's lack of any compelling characters, the film trundles along at a relatively engaging pace whilst providing a few admittedly creepy moments, never resting long enough for boredom to set in. However, there's just a sense throughout that it's trying too hard. With the film's main premise hanging on the fact that Laura is so popular and active on social media, as things get more and more sinister and Laura becomes publicly associated with the horrific events unfolding (Marina posts videos of each suicide on Laura's profile, posing as her), the film marks this downward spiral with an on-screen friend counter as people unfriend Laura and her popularity online decreases. It even takes a good few of her friends to be bumped off in horrific fashion before she even considers committing the unthinkable act of...deleting her profile! Yes really, the true horror in this film is the idea of people unfriending you on Facebook! The terror of it! Screaming Emoji!

 

Laura, you're friends are dying. Laura! Friends...dead...? Laura...? *facepalm*

This emphasis on the importance of online popularity and the characters' obsession with social media (Laura even studies Internet Addiction at college...yeah...) should allow for an interesting statement or cautionary tale, however it really just comes across as a wasted opportunity and the moments where it is treated as such are presented with such a lack of subtlety that the only cautionary tale I could glean was that rolling your eyes too much in quick succession leads to a headache! Connor Paolo's Kobe is a prime example of this as Laura's super-hacker friend (everyone has one of those, right?), whose main skill actually appears to be super-Googling, enabling him to solve the mystery of Marina's past with only a few quick clicks and key-strokes, reiterating the film's message that the internet can solve everything! No wait...

 

Despite how it may sound, this really isn't a bad little film overall. It has an interesting premise (at least initially), some genuinely unsettling imagery (the animated segments portraying Marina's homemade films are both beautiful and nightmare-inducing) and generally the actors make the most of what little they're given to work with. However, what starts out as a relatively fresh take on the techno-horror genre, soon devolves into the same old 'malevolent entity terrorises rich, attractive white people' shtick that we've seen time and time again, just with an extra dash of FaceTiming and txt spk. A lack of depth and a reliance on cliché lead to an uneven film, which despite all of its desperate efforts to make us relate to and like its characters, just leaves us feeling all the more disconnected, ironically emulating the experience of Facebook and social media down to a tee. Hmm, maybe this film is more clever than it seems...

 

DISCLAIMER: It's worth noting that Friend Request is actually a sort-of-kind-of-but-not-really remake of the (much superior) 2014 movie Unfriended. The original film is much more, well, original, presented entirely via the lead character's laptop screen in a clever twist on the found-footage genre, with developments occurring via Skype calls, Facebook chats and Google searches. If you find yourself with the choice, I'd definitely recommend Unfriended over Friend Request, but if you're morbidly curious the two films are different enough in plot and execution that you won't find yourself with remake-fatigue if you do decide to watch them both.

'The Jungle Book' review: Fun, fear and feels! Jungle-tastic!

 

 

 

Now that's how you do a live-action remake of a beloved animated classic!

 

As much as I am a huge Disney fan and will watch (and usually love) anything they put out, I'm not a huge fan of this recent trend they seem to have of just remaking all of their old animated films in live-action. It seems like every other day there's an announcement about another one in development and my reaction is more often than not a resounding groan. If I could remember that far back, my reaction to learning about The Jungle Book was most likely the same truth be told, however after finally witnessing the splendour that Jon Favreau has whipped up, I hastily say 'shut my mouth!'.

 

Simply put, Favreau's film is magnificent. Visually it is stunning (no really, stunning!), with the landscapes and animals on-screen so lifelike that even whilst knowing that most of it is just computer trickery (what with the talking animals and all), you can't quite process that what you are seeing isn't actually real. I thought after seeing the trailer that the hyper-realistic animals talking with human voices would be distracting, and it was a little strange at first, but after a few minutes it seemed almost normal. In fact I now want a talking wolf-cub of my own. Get on it science!

 

In all seriousness though, the film is just a beauty to behold visually. With so many movies saturated in CGI and unholy amounts of unnecessary special effects these days, it's so easy to become almost numb to it all and as a cinema-going public I think many have become pretty hard to impress in that department. However with The Jungle Book the effects are the film. And that's not intended to imply that the film lacks heart, depth or plot (because it has those in spades), but simply that this film could not have been done so well without such copious and detailed effects work. It really is a wonder to behold, and I'd even go so far as to say that in the succession of movies that truly push the boundaries of what can be done in regards to effects-led storytelling, The Jungle Book sits right there one step beyond Avatar.

 

About that heart though! The film is full of it! Neel Sethi plays the part of Mowgli with such adorable innocence and spunk that you just can't help but love him. His performance is even more admirable when you consider that he played his part essentially solo, considering all of his co-stars are composed of pixels. It's doubtful Sethi will win any major awards for his role (such is the sad state of award shows), but there really should be a mainstream award show based on just this type of thing, taking into consideration the unconventional factors behind a performance. Regardless, this little guy is a revelation and I'm sure it's just the beginning for him.

 

They say never work with kids or animals...Joke's on them!

 

The rest of the cast (albeit heard and not seen) are also near-perfect in their roles, the obvious stand-outs being Ben Kingsley as Bagheera and Bill Murray as Baloo. Both imbue their characters with such warmth and depth that you really do believe a panther can talk and that he'd have pretty wise advice to give you when he did. I did find the casting of Scarlett Johansson as Kaa the snake a little odd at first, especially considering Kaa is originally male (poor Scarlett, first she's not the right gender, now she's not the right race, she can't seem to do anything right lately!), however her sultry, seductive voice actually worked pretty well for the hypnotic (and damn creepy!) serpent who tries to make a meal out of Mowgli. Last mention to Idris Elba as Shere Khan almost goes without saying as Elba is awesome in pretty much anything he does, and his villainous tiger is no different, bringing the perfect measure of arrogance and tempered crazy to the role.

 

The musical numbers, sparse though they were, felt slightly out of place within the film as a whole (with King Louie's updated version of 'I Wanna Be Like You' seeming especially jarring tonally), however not enough to derail what was a pretty perfect pacing throughout. In fact 'The Bare Necessities' was admittedly pretty damn cute!

 

Overall, I absolutely loved it and it's instantly entered into my top five films of the year so far! Sure there are those who will say it's unnecessary (and I was one of them before the trailers dropped!), but it's actually a solidly made film, crafted with genuine love and respect for the original, with enough tweaks to bring it up to date technologically and otherwise. Despite still having my reservations about Disney's newfound obsession with live-actionising all of their old films, The Jungle Book gives me renewed hope that at least some of them will be actually worth the effort. Hopefully they will take note of what has been achieved here and realise that we don't need to see how Prince Charming became so charming, or where Cruella De Vil goes to get her iconic monochrome hairstyle dyed. All that's needed (if the need is there at all) is to recreate the magic that made these films classics in the first place. But, you know, with real people! If they can keep on doing that, I'll happily watch them remake their entire back catalogue, as it appears they intend to do in any case.

 

Having said that, with the (admittedly deserved) success and the effects on display in The Jungle Book, it can only be a matter of time before we get...dare I say it...a live-action The Lion King. If I've thought of it, you just know some Disney exec has! Is nothing sacred?! I guess we'll see.

 

My only gripe is that we never saw this moment recreated in live-action...

 

My First Time with James Bond - Part #3: 'Goldfinger'

It's that time again people! Time to embark on another thrilling adventure with MI6's most famous (and infamous!) secret agent, and myself, a self-confessed Bond-virgin. I'm learning that when it comes to James Bond, you may be a virgin when you start out, but you certainly don't stay that way. So far it's two for two in terms of enjoying the films, although I definitely prefer the first to the second, so let's see what number three has in store.

Next out of the gate is 1964's Goldfinger. Aaaand go!

 

 

We're down by the docks beside some kind of guarded compound. Bond emerges from the water in full scuba gear, adorned with a seagull on his head for camouflage I'm guessing. Although since he is already scuba-ed up and can therefore breath underwater, I fail to see how this is a wise disguise; if anything it would surely just draw more attention to him... In any case, like all of Bond's other birds, the poor seagull is tossed aside and Bond climbs ashore. After taking out a guard, he infiltrates a lab of some sort and sets about squeezing out some white gunk all over some nitrogen tanks. No, Nitrogen Tanks is not the latest Bond girl, he's setting plastic explosives.

Detonator prepped, he exits, whips off his wetsuit to reveal full tux underneath (he's kind've like the reverse Superman), and heads to a nearby bar where a female dancer is vigorously shaking her thang. I sense more than one bang in the near future. The first occurs as planned as the explosives go off and the facility is destroyed. Turns out it was a drugs lab producing (and I quote) 'heroine flavoured bananas'! Yeah...I'll stick to my regular banana-flavoured bananas thanks.

Bond follows Ms Thang to her room and the second bang occurs. Although surprisingly not in the way I expected. Seeing an attacker approaching from behind reflected in Ms Thang's eyeball, Bond swings her round so that she receives the blow to the head intended for him. It's both hilarious and shocking in equal measure. He then scuffles with his would-be attacker before electrocuting him in the bath. This is also shocking, as Bond can't help but quip. I'm unclear as to whether Ms Thang was in on the attack or not, but either way Bond has lost his hard-on and leaves for Miami.

The opening sequence commences, I sing along in my best Shirley Bassey impersonation, and the word 'gold' loses all meaning.

 

He loves gold.

 

In Miami, Bond enjoys a massage by the poolside at his hotel (where there appears to be a mini Olympics going on!). He is interrupted by CIA agent Felix Leiter (old Shady himself!). And I mean old. Shady has not aged well in the two years since Dr. No.

Still got it Shady!

 

Bond dismisses his masseuse (named Dink! ha!) with a polite chauvinistic comment and a slap on the arse, and Leiter passes on a telegram from M. He is to observe one Auric Goldfinger. 'Sounds like a French nail varnish'. Bond made a funny. As if someone had written it, Goldfinger appears at that very moment.

What an entrance!

 

He is here for his daily card-game with a Mr Simmons, a card-game he apparently wins every day, and is adamant he sit in his usual seat overlooked by a balcony. He also has a less-than-subtle earpiece in. I call cheater! This Simmons character is a bit of a chump.

Bond makes the same deduction and gains access to Goldfinger's suite via a poor, hapless maid, although she does manage to escape un-sexed. She may lose her job, but her hymen remains intact. Inside, as suspected, Bond finds Goldfinger's accomplice on the balcony, feeding Goldfinger his opponent's cards via microphone. Said accomplice is called Jill Masterson and she's just Bond's type. Female, that is.

Like a red rag to a bull..

 

After taking over the mic and blackmailing Goldfinger into losing the game, Bond determines that Jill is paid by Goldfinger to help him cheat, and to be seen with him. But nothing else. That cleared up (apparently James isn't keen on the idea of prospecting in a mine Goldfinger has already tapped!), Bond invites Jill to dinner.

After dinner (and to save time, from now on whenever I say 'dinner', read 'sex'), Bond receives a call from Leiter inviting him to dinner (except this time!), however Bond declines and arranges for breakfast the next day. Upon going to the fridge to retrieve another bottle of champagne (or as Bond refers to it 'passion juice'...swallow down the vomit...), James is knocked out from behind by an assailant whom we don't see, but whose silhouette suggests is the Fat Controller from Thomas the Tank Engine.

And he always seemed so amiable in the cartoon...

 When he comes to, Bond is distraught mildly inconvenienced to find that Jill has been murdered. And in a rather novel way. She's been covered head to toe in paint. Gold paint. Now who do we know that loves gold...? My money's on Scrooge McDuck, but we'll see how this plays out.

 

 

Evil bastard!

Back in England, M isn't too pleased with how Bond has conducted himself (how he's just now deciding to voice this opinion is beyond me), and threatens to replace 007 with 008 if he continues to act rashly. At the mere possibility, the sound of the women of the world clenching in harmony can be heard faintly in the distance. If 007 is anything to go by, 008 will be a nightmare!

Bond promises to behave and M requests that he join him for dinner later that evening (not this time either!). He also asks Bond what he knows about gold, to which he responds 'I know it when I see it'. Never let it be said that Bond is underqualified!

On his way out, James fills the film's 'flirting with Moneypenny' quota and I realise how much I've missed her. She deserves so much better than Bond, but she loves him so and I want to see her happy...She's like that friend with the asshole boyfriend and you want to be the cool, supportive friend, but deep down you just want to shake her and tell her she can do better. This is my relationship with Moneypenny at this stage.

Girl's got it bad!

 

Briefing Time takes place over brandy at the Bank of England, where Bond, M and a Colonel Smithers discuss...wait for it...gold! I'm beginning to think the scriptwriter just took a handful of the word 'gold', threw it at the page and then filled in the blanks surrounding it. In any case, apparently the Bank (in conjunction with Fort Knox in Kentucky) keeps very strict tabs on exactly how much gold bullion is in circulation in order to regulate the value of currency and the like. They are therefore very concerned about 'unauthorised leakages', which is not a medical condition, but bank lingo for 'gold smuggling'. As gold is untraceable once melted and recast, it makes tracing these 'leaks' very difficult. Mr Goldfinger has a lot of gold apparently (figures!) and they suspect he is illegally smuggling it out of the country to sell for a higher price around the globe. Bond is to meet with Goldfinger under the pretence of selling a Nazi gold bar and find out what he is up to. Failing that he could probably flog it at Cash4NaziGold.com. I hear it's a great time to sell.

Before heading off however, it's gadget time! Bond reports to Q Branch (where apparently health and safety is not a huge concern, as evidenced by the poor sod tasked with testing the bulletproof vests! That's not something you want to be testing on human subjects until you're pretty damn sure it works!) and Q himself introduces Bond to his very own brand new Aston Martin (history in the making here people!). Bond is rather put out over the fact that his trusty Bentley is being replaced. Apparently he has more emotional attachment to cars than he does to women. This particular car is pimped out with all manner of cool spy features including bullet-proof windows, revolving number-plates, remote tracker, smoke-screen emitters, dual machine-guns and an ejector seat. Also it drives. Maybe if a woman could do all that on top of getting James off, he'd stick around longer...

 

Cracking pair of headlights!

 

In sunny Kent, James meets with Goldfinger at a golf club and they set out to play a few holes, but not before James is introduced to Goldfinger's mute manservant/trainee caddy/possible android: The Fat Korean Controller. Or as Goldfinger refers to him, 'Oddjob'. Look out James, it's a trap! Where is Admiral Ackbar when you need him?!

 

You think the Fantastic Four Johnny Storm controversy was bad, the Thomas the Tank Engine fanboys will not stand for this race-swap!

 During the game, the conversation naturally turns to Goldfinger's favourite topic: carbohydrates gold. Bond shows him the gold bar he has to sell and Goldfinger proposes a wager: if he wins the game he gets the bar, if he loses he'll pay the cash equivalent. Knowing of Goldfinger's tendency to cheat I'd be hesitant to engage in any kind of wager with the man, however Bond agrees and the game continues. As expected, Goldfinger attempts to rig the game, with the help of Oddjob's surprising android ability to produce golf-balls from his trouser leg. However Bond is no fool and sets about enacting a complex strategy of ball-switching in order to expose Goldfinger's duplicity, forcing him to forfeit, much to his annoyance. It's about as tense as golf gets...

After the game, Bond places a tracker on Goldfinger's car. Before leaving, the sore loser informs Bond that he is aware that it was Bond who foiled his card-game earlier and that he's sick of him interfering with his game-tampering. Can't a guy just cheat people out of money without James sticking his nose in?! To reinforce his point, Goldfinger threatens Bond with some casual vandalism by having Oddjob decapitate a nearby statue with his Super-Cool Frisbee Bowler Hat of Death (available in all good toy stores now!). Oddjob then crushes a golf-ball with his hand and I'm further convinced that he is an android.

Pretty sure Bond would still shag her...

 

Bond tracks Goldfinger's car to an airstrip where he and Oddjob are boarding a flight to Geneva. Bond hops on the next flight and upon arrival, tracks them through the mountains. Along the way he is overtaken by a woman in a convertible and naturally his curiosity is aroused, amongst other parts of his anatomy no doubt. Miraculously however, Bond demonstrates some self-control and continues to follow his quarry. That kind of rejection has got to sting!

Further along their route, Goldfinger and Oddjob encounter a group of children who appear to be selling real estate by the side of the road, but decide not to purchase any new property and settle instead for buying some fruit.

 

'50c an acre!'

As Bond observes this from above, he is unaware that he is also being observed. He is soon alerted to this fact however, when his observer (who happens to be the lady driver from earlier) tries to snipe him! Perhaps she's an ex-lover? Whoever she is, upon hearing the gunshot Oddjob looks rather pleased. He must be a super-advanced android with the ability to show emotion...

Bond hops in his car, and a sort of inverted car-chase takes place, with Bond overtaking his attacker and then refusing to let her pass before using one of the Aston's fancy gadgets to shred her tires and force her off the road. Upon meeting Lady Sniperly, Bond feigns ignorance regarding the assassination attempt that just occurred because he's not one to hold a grudge (at least not until after he's bedded her) and offers to drive her to the nearest garage.

She claims her name is Tilly Soames, but the initials on her gun-case (which she insists is actually for her ice-skates) are actually T.M. Could this be a pre-newscaster Trevor McDonald in disguise?! Place your bets now.

After dropping 'Tilly' off at a garage and not pushing the issue when she declines his offer of a ride to the nearest hotel (Bond is really outdoing himself with this self-control thing in this one!), James tracks Goldfinger to his headquarters Auric Enterprises A.G. (The A.G. undoubtedly stands for 'And Gold'), and observes from a vantage-point in the hills.

At nightfall, Bond descends and does what spies do best: spying! (Or at least spies who aren't James that is. We all know what he does best.) He eavesdrops on Goldfinger conveniently detailing his operation to a Mr Ling, an operation which involves melting down his gold and smuggling it out of the country in the bodywork of his car. A solid gold car? Pretty impressive. But does it have an ejector seat? No? Bond still wins. He also makes reference to something called Operation Grand Slam. Please tell me this is all leading to an epic game of doubles between Bond and Leiter and Goldfinger and Oddjob!

Upon retreating to the woods, Bond encounters a shadowy figure skulking around with a sniper rifle, who sets up and takes aim at the facility below. Bond (not having sexed anyone for at least 20 minutes) can't control himself and throws himself at the figure (setting off a tripwire alarm in the process) and discovers that it's Lady Sniperly herself, Tilly Soames. Except she isn't Tilly Soames (and sadly she isn't Trevor McDonald in disguise either), she's Tilly Masterson, sister of Jill, and she wants revenge on Goldfinger for her sister's murder. She was aiming at him earlier and not Bond. This is a welcome twist, yet I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed about the Trevor McDonald thing. Suddenly the idea of a film franchise starring a young cross-dressing Trevor McDonald travelling the globe assassinating corrupt businessmen is highly appealing. Get on it Hollywood!

The pair flee back to Bond's car and are pursued by a group of the most inept guards ever. They're kind've like a Chinese version of the Minions. They're even dressed in yellow and blue!

 

'Bananaaaaa!'

 

Bond manages to lose one of the tails by utilising the car's smokescreens and then another by spraying oil all over the road (is there anything this car can't do?!), resulting in the Minions' car careening off a cliff in flames. You won't see that in Minions 2...

Coming to the literal end of the road, Bond is forced to exit the car and engage in a shootout with the remaining car-full of Minions. On Bond's signal, Tilly makes a break for the cover of the trees but, too bad for her, Oddjob arrives and she gets the Super-Cool Frisbee Bowler Hat of Death to the face, killing her instantly. Bond of course is pissed, and in his distraction is captured by Oddjob and the Minions. The next woman Bond sees had better watch out, because he is bound to be very backed up by now!

The next woman Bond sees turns out to be a kindly-looking old woman operating the barrier-gate to Goldfinger's facility as he is forced to drive at gunpoint. Bond appears to consider it for a moment, but decides that escaping his captors is probably more important than sexing Grandma (I feel Bond is really growing as a person in this instalment) and continues on through the barrier. Once through however, Bond employs some quick thinking and uses the ejector seat to rid himself of his Minion passenger, before performing a U-turn and barrelling through a crowd of additional Minions.

Upon return to the barrier-gate, it soon becomes clear that passing on bedding Grandma was probably a wise decision, because Grandma is a bit of a psycho!

Grandma, what big gun you have!

 

She opens fire on James with a big ole machine gun, forcing him to turn around and drive further into the facility, where he is chased through alleys by Minions before being cut off by Oddjob and crashing into a wall. Q is not going to be happy!

Bond awakens strapped to a table (make your own Bondage joke here), and is greeted by Goldfinger who makes a half-hearted attempt to play the Backstory Game. However rather than a heart-warming origin tale revealing the genesis of Goldfinger's obsession with gold stemming from the memory of his mother's golden locks, or from a beloved golden retriever he owned as a boy, he simply says he's always liked gold and that's all we get...Well that was riveting.

Goldfinger also shows Bond his new toy: an industrial laser which can draw a spot on the moon and cut through metal. Sounds pretty cool. It can also cut through spies too, as Bond almost finds out when Goldfinger sets the laser to work its way up the table and through Bond! Bond tries to scare Goldfinger with the threat that if he dies, 008 will replace him, but not being female this threat does not work on Goldfinger. Just as Bond's 007 is about to be lasered into two 003.5s, he manages to convince Goldfinger to turn the laser off by bluffing that he knows information that could harm Operation Grand Slam. Goldfinger can't take that risk. He takes his tennis very seriously. Bond is knocked out. Again.

 

Those genital warts don't stand a chance!

Bond awakens (again) to be confronted by a woman who introduces herself as Pussy Galore. I'm not even touching that one. It's too easy. Bond however proclaims that he must be dreaming, confirming (as if there was ever any doubt) that Bond's subconscious is just as much of a sleaze as he is. They are in Goldfinger's private jet on their way to Baltimore and Pussy is Goldfinger's private pilot. Also, she's immune to Bond's charm. So naturally, he turns his attention to on-board hostess Mei Lei. Jump Mei Lei! It's better than the alternative! In the air, no-one can hear you scream...

Later, as Bond changes in the bathroom for landing, Pussy orders Mei-Lei to observe him through a number of secret peep-holes. Bond is wise to his audience however and manages to block her view. Apparently Bond isn't into the whole voyeur thing. Although something tells me if the roles were reversed, he'd be all over it. Bond activates his tracker, conceals it in the heel of his shoe, and re-enters the cabin for more flirting with Pussy. He so wants Pussy, but something tells me he's not going to get Pussy. I mean, I'm sure he'll get pussy eventually, just not Pussy pussy. He seems a little intimidated by her actually. Pussy.

 

Pussy.

Back in England, M hears from Leiter that they've tracked Bond to Baltimore where he's just landed on Goldfinger's plane, and that their final destination appears to be somewhere in Kentucky. Hey, wasn't Fort Knox in Kentucky...? I'm sure it's a coincidence...

Upon landing at Pussy Galore's Flying Circus (that doesn't sound like a kid-friendly show), Bond makes one final attempt at Pussy, but she shuts him down and delivers him into the clutches of Oddjob who takes him away. Pussy stays behind to greet her all-female squadron whom I am dubbing The Stepford Pilots. It is suddenly very clear how Pussy Galore got her name and why Bond has no chance with her...

 

The Sue Storm cosplayers were out in force!

Bond is taken to Goldfinger's ranch Auric Stud, where he is greeted by the man himself and shown to a cell. Naturally the first thing he does is check the bedsprings. Even in captivity, his mind is always in the bedroom. Meanwhile, Leiter and another CIA agent are contemplating whether or not to intervene and drop in on Bond, but Leiter insists he'll call if he needs them. Ah Shady, you've really let your standards slip. Two movies ago you'd have been charging in on a naval ship, hollering for all to hear. Sort it out!

Whilst Bond lounges in his room, Goldfinger meets with his business associates who are all rather pissed that they haven't received their fee for transporting Goldfinger's gold. He makes them an offer. He can give them the $1 million he owes them now or $10 million tomorrow. Hmmm, there has to be a catch here. But don't worry, these guys are no fools. As evidenced by one gentleman's objection that 'banks don't open on Sundays'. Yeah...they don't seem to have grasped the whole villain thing...

Goldfinger presses some buttons and flicks some switches on his nifty pool table-cum-control panel and a giant screen showing a map emerges from one of the walls. It appears it's the 'Explaining My Entire Evil Plan in Detail' portion of the evening. 

 

Professor Goldfinger uses his fancy lecturing stick to (somewhat unnecessarily) point to the only thing on the map, which happens to be Fort Knox!

 

Yeah...thanks for that Goldfinger...

The fort apparently holds the entire gold supply of the United States and it appears Goldfinger intends to rob it! Oh. Em. Gee! Plot twist! The assembled businessmen seem apprehensive due to the many guards which patrol the fort, however Goldfinger seems unconcerned and via some more switch-flipping reveals another map which emerges from the floor. It's pretty much identical to the first one, except this one is in 3D! Which means it costs around £3.50 extra to look at.

We then cut to Bond in his cell, who by now is so unbelievably horny that he has resorted to flirting with the minion guarding his cell door. When the curious minion unlocks and enters the cell however (no doubt looking to see what all the fuss is about surrounding this Bond guy. I mean, you would right?), it transpires that it was all a ruse enabling Bond to knock him out, steal his gun and escape. Worst hook-up ever.

We're back with Goldfinger as he explains the finer details of his plan (aka Operation Grandslam, not tennis-related after all I'm afraid), however his cohorts (one of whom is named Mr Midnight! Great name!) are growing impatient. The plan is as follows: the next day at dawn, Pussy and her Stepford Pilots will fly over the depository and spray the area with an invisible nerve gas called Delta 9, rendering the guards unconscious for 24 hours. This will allow Goldfinger's taskforce to blow up the electrified fence surrounding the building and then storm the entrance. Got that? Pussy will spray, explosion and then the entering. Not the usual order of business but we'll see how it goes.

Everyone seems at least intrigued by the plan. All except one that is, the aptly-named Mr Solo, who declares himself out and demands his $1 million right away. Goldfinger calmly accepts this and exits with Mr Solo to 'take care of him'. Hmm...I'm sure he'll be fine!

Unbeknownst to Goldfinger, never one to miss an evil plan being explained, Bond has conveniently managed to find his way to the perfect vantage point under the model map and has been taking notes. He wraps his notes around the tracker which he removes from his shoe and is about to resume eavesdropping, when someone pulls his feet out from under him. It is Pussy and a pair of minions! (Now there's a sex-tape!) She forces Bond to surrender his gun and leads him away.

 

2 Minions 1 Pussy

Elsewhere, one of Goldfinger's henchmen does some switch-flipping of his own, resulting in all ventilation in the Map Room being blocked off before the room is filled with the Delta 9 nerve gas. It appears Goldfinger wasn't as trustworthy as he appeared.

 

 

Outside, Goldfinger bids farewell to a surprisingly not-dead Mr Solo, sending him off with his $1 million in gold, but not before Bond arrives with Pussy (he wishes!) and sneakily drops the plan-wrapped tracker into Mr Solo's pocket. One small detail: Oddjob is on chauffeur duty again. Perhaps Mr Solo isn't out of the woods just yet...

Pussy informs Goldfinger that Bond was eavesdropping on the details of Operation Grand Slam, but Goldfinger seems unconcerned. He has more important things to worry about. Like lunch probably (and this time I most definitely mean lunch!).

Meanwhile, Leiter and his partner are alerted of the tracker's movements and thinking it is Bond, proceed to follow. Little do they know that they are following Mr Solo, who is unceremoniously offed by Oddjob along the way. Called it! Leiter quips that Bond is likely headed for either 'a drink or a dame'. He knows Bond so well. Nailed it Shady! Oddjob stops off at a scrapyard where he proceeds to crush the car (complete with Solo and tracker) into a cube. With the tracker signal dead, Leiter and friend decide to pay a visit to Goldfinger's farm. Good call.

Back at said farm, Goldfinger is getting creepy with Pussy over drinks, but if Bond has no chance, then he has even less! His assistant Kisch informs him of two men with binoculars observing from afar. Deducing that these are most likely Bond's friends (which of course they are) Goldfinger asks Pussy to change into something more slutty suitable, with the intention of making it appear that James is having the time of his life and doesn't require assistance. Good tactic all considered. One look at Pussy in all her Galore-y and Bond will probably want to stay anyway.

Bond is summoned to drink with Goldfinger and proceeds to tell him why Operation Grand Slam will fail. Turns out Delta 9 is fatal and will needlessly kill everyone instead of knocking them out. Unsurprisingly this doesn't seem to upset Goldfinger. Also, Bond points out that the amount of gold in Fort Knox would be far too heavy and take far too long to remove before the army turns up to stop Goldfinger. Again, Goldfinger is not phased. It turns out that his plan was never to steal the gold, but to set off an atomic device (supplied by the Chinese) in the gold depository, contaminating the gold with radioactivity for the next 58 years (very specific!) and increasing the value of Goldfinger's gold tenfold. I have to say it's a pretty good plan actually, although why Pussy can't just drop the bomb from her plane I'm not quite clear on, but then again, I was off the day we learned about nuclear devices and their uses. Bond is also impressed by the plan, and with Goldfinger threatening that the bomb could go off anywhere in the country if the authorities try to find it, there is not much Bond can do for now. Except Pussy, who returns in a somewhat less revealing outfit than I was expecting.

As Goldfinger leaves with Oddjob and the cube previously known as Mr Solo, Bond and Pussy walk off hand in hand, convincing Leiter and co that Bond is fine and prompting them to leave.

James and Pussy find themselves in a barn, and James tries to convince Pussy that Goldfinger is mad, but she's having none of it. Something else she's having none of is Bond's advances, as she proceeds to effectively throw him around when he tries it on. She could make a fortune teaching Defence Against Bond classes to the women of the world! Then things get weird though and James literally forces himself on her. Sure she appears to 'give in' right at the last moment, but he fights her pretty hard for it beforehand. It's set up as the big moment where the sexual tension finally bears fruit, but it just comes across as wrong. I don't even have any witty comments about it, it's just plain creepy. Not cool Bond!

 

Does that face say 'Yes!' to you?!

 

In any case, after a quick bout of barely-consensual-barn-sex, Pussy's Stepford Pilots commence their flyby spraying of Fort Knox. All the guards are knocked out (or is that killed?) instantly and it is hilarious. You can almost hear the director shouting 'aaaaaand fall!' in the background. Everyone falls at exactly the same second, except for one guy who is too busy chatting and misses the cue, falling a second later. Perhaps he has built up a higher tolerance from a previous Pussy-spraying.

Guards neutralised, Goldfinger's men (with Bond and Oddjob in tow) drive through the compound and we see Leiter's car by the roadside, with Leiter himself hanging out the window apparently succumbed to the deadly gas! Shady dead?! Say it ain't so! The minions blow the fence with explosives and they're in! And for a supposedly impenetrable fort, that fence was pretty flimsy, electrified or not!

Remember that big laser from earlier? The one that nearly chopped off Bond's most prized possession? Well it's back and the minions use it to gain access to the depository itself. Goldfinger then arrives via helicopter piloted by Pussy in a rather fetching all-white ensemble. Sure it looks good, but is that really the most practical colour to wear to a heist Pussy? The nuclear device is unloaded and set, the vault is opened (ironically the easiest part of the operation thus far) and the countdown to detonation starts.

Receiving confirmation that the bomb has been set, Leiter and the rest of the soldiers miraculously wake up! They were just playing dead all along! Sneaky Shady! I wonder if he can catch a Frisbee in his mouth too...The soldiers proceed to move in to stop the bomb.

In the vault, Bond is handcuffed to the bomb itself and after one last longing look at the stacks and stacks of gold from Goldfinger (seriously, I guarantee you he has a hard-on under that jacket), is lowered on an elevator to the lower levels.

 

That awkward moment when you finally get fucked, but not in the way you wanted...

Outside, the soldiers storm the fort, overpowering the minions (like that would be hard) and the rest of Goldfinger's men. Upon seeing this, Goldfinger closes the vault locking Bond, Oddjob and the leader of his men inside. He then manages to escape by posing as a military officer and by throwing the rest of his men under the bus. Although you'd have thought the big GOLDEN gun he is holding would have given him away! The clue is in the name people!

 

Fooling no-one Goldfinger. Or is that EVERYONE?!

Back in the vault, Taskforce Leader is freaking out and wants to defuse the bomb, but Oddjob has other ideas and throws him from over the railing to his death! Sucks to be him, but it does enable James to pilfer his corpse for the handcuff key. No longer shackled to the bomb, Bond makes a run for it, as Oddjob descends the stairs to reach him. Use your Super-Cool Frisbee Bowler Hat of Death Oddjob! He does, but his aim is way off and now he is hatless. Maybe time to upgrade to the Super-Cool Boomerang Bowler Hat of Death...

 

Retrieving his hat he tries again, but this time only succeeds in severing some electrical wires. Get it together Oddjob! Bond's aim is much better however, and manages to clock Oddjob right in the chest with a gold bar. Oddjob doesn't even flinch. If there was any remaining doubt, there is your confirmation: Android!

 

Hey Oddjob, do you dream of electric sheep?

A scuffle ensues, as the minions continue to fight the military outside, culminating in Bond using Oddjob's hat against him, wedging it between some metal bars and then electrocuting said bars with the severed wire from earlier when Oddjob moves to retrieve it. Result: one fried android.

Meanwhile, the bomb-timer continues to count down, and as the firefight outside spreads into the vault, Bond manages to break open the casing, exposing the inner-workings of the bomb. It kind've looks like something The Joker might cobble together, but with no hope of Batman saving the day, Bond is running out of time. Out of other options, Bond is just about to rip the shit out of the wiring (yeah, good plan James!), when Leiter and friends arrive just in time to flip the off-switch on the bomb. The off-switch! Why didn't I think of that?!

 

What happened to the good old days when bombs consisted of a black ball with a string sticking out of it?

No longer in danger of being irradiated, Bond speaks to Leiter and finds that Goldfinger is still at large, and that Pussy actually helped them switch the gas in the plane canisters to a non-lethal variation. Why would she do such a thing I hear you ask? James' magic cock saves the day again!

Some time later James boards a private plane to the White House. He has been summoned by the President. It appears his cock is to be given a commendation. Upon take-off however, after taking a moment to look smug, Goldfinger appears brandishing his big gold gun! One final scuffle occurs and the gun goes off, blasting one of the plane's windows. Goldfinger is sucked out of the window in what has to be one of the most hilarious death scenes in cinematic history.

 

'Tell my gold I died a hero!'

James enters the cockpit to find Pussy, struggling to bring the plane out of a nosedive. As Leiter and co. watch from Air Traffic Control, the plane crashes into the ocean in a fiery explosion. Pussy went bang!

 

As Leiter searches for the pair from a helicopter, Pussy (with not a scratch on her or her fabulous gold sleeveless blouse!) desperately tries to get his attention, but her attempts at rescue are foiled by James who pulls her to the ground and covering them both with a parachute, once again subjects her to his will. She looks marginally more receptive to it this time, but I'm chalking that up to Stockholm Syndrome.

 

'Help! This blouse is dry-clean only!'

 

And that my friends, was Goldfinger. It was a pretty decent instalment all things considered. It had a little more sexual harassment than I'm used to, and a lot more Pussy than the movies I normally watch, but all in all I enjoyed it. As is probably already evident, I wont be achieving my self-imposed deadline of having all the Bond movies watched and recapped by the time Spectre comes out (in a little over a month!), but I'll hopefully get at least a couple more in before that time, and the rest will follow in due course.

Next up is 1965's Thunderball. Till then!