It's that time again people! Time to embark on another thrilling adventure with MI6's most famous (and infamous!) secret agent, and myself, a self-confessed Bond-virgin. I'm learning that when it comes to James Bond, you may be a virgin when you start out, but you certainly don't stay that way. So far it's two for two in terms of enjoying the films, although I definitely prefer the first to the second, so let's see what number three has in store.
Next out of the gate is 1964's Goldfinger. Aaaand go!
We're down by the docks beside some kind of guarded compound. Bond emerges from the water in full scuba gear, adorned with a seagull on his head for camouflage I'm guessing. Although since he is already scuba-ed up and can therefore breath underwater, I fail to see how this is a wise disguise; if anything it would surely just draw more attention to him... In any case, like all of Bond's other birds, the poor seagull is tossed aside and Bond climbs ashore. After taking out a guard, he infiltrates a lab of some sort and sets about squeezing out some white gunk all over some nitrogen tanks. No, Nitrogen Tanks is not the latest Bond girl, he's setting plastic explosives.
Detonator prepped, he exits, whips off his wetsuit to reveal full tux underneath (he's kind've like the reverse Superman), and heads to a nearby bar where a female dancer is vigorously shaking her thang. I sense more than one bang in the near future. The first occurs as planned as the explosives go off and the facility is destroyed. Turns out it was a drugs lab producing (and I quote) 'heroine flavoured bananas'! Yeah...I'll stick to my regular banana-flavoured bananas thanks.
Bond follows Ms Thang to her room and the second bang occurs. Although surprisingly not in the way I expected. Seeing an attacker approaching from behind reflected in Ms Thang's eyeball, Bond swings her round so that she receives the blow to the head intended for him. It's both hilarious and shocking in equal measure. He then scuffles with his would-be attacker before electrocuting him in the bath. This is also shocking, as Bond can't help but quip. I'm unclear as to whether Ms Thang was in on the attack or not, but either way Bond has lost his hard-on and leaves for Miami.
The opening sequence commences, I sing along in my best Shirley Bassey impersonation, and the word 'gold' loses all meaning.
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He loves gold.
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In Miami, Bond enjoys a massage by the poolside at his hotel (where there appears to be a mini Olympics going on!). He is interrupted by CIA agent Felix Leiter (old Shady himself!). And I mean old. Shady has not aged well in the two years since Dr. No.
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Still got it Shady!
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Bond dismisses his masseuse (named Dink! ha!) with a polite chauvinistic comment and a slap on the arse, and Leiter passes on a telegram from M. He is to observe one Auric Goldfinger. 'Sounds like a French nail varnish'. Bond made a funny. As if someone had written it, Goldfinger appears at that very moment.
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What an entrance!
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He is here for his daily card-game with a Mr Simmons, a card-game he apparently wins every day, and is adamant he sit in his usual seat overlooked by a balcony. He also has a less-than-subtle earpiece in. I call cheater! This Simmons character is a bit of a chump.
Bond makes the same deduction and gains access to Goldfinger's suite via a poor, hapless maid, although she does manage to escape un-sexed. She may lose her job, but her hymen remains intact. Inside, as suspected, Bond finds Goldfinger's accomplice on the balcony, feeding Goldfinger his opponent's cards via microphone. Said accomplice is called Jill Masterson and she's just Bond's type. Female, that is.
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Like a red rag to a bull..
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After taking over the mic and blackmailing Goldfinger into losing the game, Bond determines that Jill is paid by Goldfinger to help him cheat, and to be seen with him. But nothing else. That cleared up (apparently James isn't keen on the idea of prospecting in a mine Goldfinger has already tapped!), Bond invites Jill to dinner.
After dinner (and to save time, from now on whenever I say 'dinner', read 'sex'), Bond receives a call from Leiter inviting him to dinner (except this time!), however Bond declines and arranges for breakfast the next day. Upon going to the fridge to retrieve another bottle of champagne (or as Bond refers to it 'passion juice'...swallow down the vomit...), James is knocked out from behind by an assailant whom we don't see, but whose silhouette suggests is the Fat Controller from Thomas the Tank Engine.
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And he always seemed so amiable in the cartoon...
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When he comes to, Bond is distraught mildly inconvenienced to find that Jill has been murdered. And in a rather novel way. She's been covered head to toe in paint. Gold paint. Now who do we know that loves gold...? My money's on Scrooge McDuck, but we'll see how this plays out.
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Evil bastard!
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Back in England, M isn't too pleased with how Bond has conducted himself (how he's just now deciding to voice this opinion is beyond me), and threatens to replace 007 with 008 if he continues to act rashly. At the mere possibility, the sound of the women of the world clenching in harmony can be heard faintly in the distance. If 007 is anything to go by, 008 will be a nightmare!
Bond promises to behave and M requests that he join him for dinner later that evening (not this time either!). He also asks Bond what he knows about gold, to which he responds 'I know it when I see it'. Never let it be said that Bond is underqualified!
On his way out, James fills the film's 'flirting with Moneypenny' quota and I realise how much I've missed her. She deserves so much better than Bond, but she loves him so and I want to see her happy...She's like that friend with the asshole boyfriend and you want to be the cool, supportive friend, but deep down you just want to shake her and tell her she can do better. This is my relationship with Moneypenny at this stage.
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Girl's got it bad!
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Briefing Time takes place over brandy at the Bank of England, where Bond, M and a Colonel Smithers discuss...wait for it...gold! I'm beginning to think the scriptwriter just took a handful of the word 'gold', threw it at the page and then filled in the blanks surrounding it. In any case, apparently the Bank (in conjunction with Fort Knox in Kentucky) keeps very strict tabs on exactly how much gold bullion is in circulation in order to regulate the value of currency and the like. They are therefore very concerned about 'unauthorised leakages', which is not a medical condition, but bank lingo for 'gold smuggling'. As gold is untraceable once melted and recast, it makes tracing these 'leaks' very difficult. Mr Goldfinger has a lot of gold apparently (figures!) and they suspect he is illegally smuggling it out of the country to sell for a higher price around the globe. Bond is to meet with Goldfinger under the pretence of selling a Nazi gold bar and find out what he is up to. Failing that he could probably flog it at Cash4NaziGold.com. I hear it's a great time to sell.
Before heading off however, it's gadget time! Bond reports to Q Branch (where apparently health and safety is not a huge concern, as evidenced by the poor sod tasked with testing the bulletproof vests! That's not something you want to be testing on human subjects until you're pretty damn sure it works!) and Q himself introduces Bond to his very own brand new Aston Martin (history in the making here people!). Bond is rather put out over the fact that his trusty Bentley is being replaced. Apparently he has more emotional attachment to cars than he does to women. This particular car is pimped out with all manner of cool spy features including bullet-proof windows, revolving number-plates, remote tracker, smoke-screen emitters, dual machine-guns and an ejector seat. Also it drives. Maybe if a woman could do all that on top of getting James off, he'd stick around longer...
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Cracking pair of headlights!
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In sunny Kent, James meets with Goldfinger at a golf club and they set out to play a few holes, but not before James is introduced to Goldfinger's mute manservant/trainee caddy/possible android: The Fat Korean Controller. Or as Goldfinger refers to him, 'Oddjob'. Look out James, it's a trap! Where is Admiral Ackbar when you need him?!
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You think the Fantastic Four Johnny Storm controversy was bad, the Thomas the Tank Engine fanboys will not stand for this race-swap!
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During the game, the conversation naturally turns to Goldfinger's favourite topic: carbohydrates gold. Bond shows him the gold bar he has to sell and Goldfinger proposes a wager: if he wins the game he gets the bar, if he loses he'll pay the cash equivalent. Knowing of Goldfinger's tendency to cheat I'd be hesitant to engage in any kind of wager with the man, however Bond agrees and the game continues. As expected, Goldfinger attempts to rig the game, with the help of Oddjob's surprising android ability to produce golf-balls from his trouser leg. However Bond is no fool and sets about enacting a complex strategy of ball-switching in order to expose Goldfinger's duplicity, forcing him to forfeit, much to his annoyance. It's about as tense as golf gets...
After the game, Bond places a tracker on Goldfinger's car. Before leaving, the sore loser informs Bond that he is aware that it was Bond who foiled his card-game earlier and that he's sick of him interfering with his game-tampering. Can't a guy just cheat people out of money without James sticking his nose in?! To reinforce his point, Goldfinger threatens Bond with some casual vandalism by having Oddjob decapitate a nearby statue with his Super-Cool Frisbee Bowler Hat of Death (available in all good toy stores now!). Oddjob then crushes a golf-ball with his hand and I'm further convinced that he is an android.
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Pretty sure Bond would still shag her...
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Bond tracks Goldfinger's car to an airstrip where he and Oddjob are boarding a flight to Geneva. Bond hops on the next flight and upon arrival, tracks them through the mountains. Along the way he is overtaken by a woman in a convertible and naturally his curiosity is aroused, amongst other parts of his anatomy no doubt. Miraculously however, Bond demonstrates some self-control and continues to follow his quarry. That kind of rejection has got to sting!
Further along their route, Goldfinger and Oddjob encounter a group of children who appear to be selling real estate by the side of the road, but decide not to purchase any new property and settle instead for buying some fruit.
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'50c an acre!'
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As Bond observes this from above, he is unaware that he is also being observed. He is soon alerted to this fact however, when his observer (who happens to be the lady driver from earlier) tries to snipe him! Perhaps she's an ex-lover? Whoever she is, upon hearing the gunshot Oddjob looks rather pleased. He must be a super-advanced android with the ability to show emotion...
Bond hops in his car, and a sort of inverted car-chase takes place, with Bond overtaking his attacker and then refusing to let her pass before using one of the Aston's fancy gadgets to shred her tires and force her off the road. Upon meeting Lady Sniperly, Bond feigns ignorance regarding the assassination attempt that just occurred because he's not one to hold a grudge (at least not until after he's bedded her) and offers to drive her to the nearest garage.
She claims her name is Tilly Soames, but the initials on her gun-case (which she insists is actually for her ice-skates) are actually T.M. Could this be a pre-newscaster Trevor McDonald in disguise?! Place your bets now.
After dropping 'Tilly' off at a garage and not pushing the issue when she declines his offer of a ride to the nearest hotel (Bond is really outdoing himself with this self-control thing in this one!), James tracks Goldfinger to his headquarters Auric Enterprises A.G. (The A.G. undoubtedly stands for 'And Gold'), and observes from a vantage-point in the hills.
At nightfall, Bond descends and does what spies do best: spying! (Or at least spies who aren't James that is. We all know what he does best.) He eavesdrops on Goldfinger conveniently detailing his operation to a Mr Ling, an operation which involves melting down his gold and smuggling it out of the country in the bodywork of his car. A solid gold car? Pretty impressive. But does it have an ejector seat? No? Bond still wins. He also makes reference to something called Operation Grand Slam. Please tell me this is all leading to an epic game of doubles between Bond and Leiter and Goldfinger and Oddjob!
Upon retreating to the woods, Bond encounters a shadowy figure skulking around with a sniper rifle, who sets up and takes aim at the facility below. Bond (not having sexed anyone for at least 20 minutes) can't control himself and throws himself at the figure (setting off a tripwire alarm in the process) and discovers that it's Lady Sniperly herself, Tilly Soames. Except she isn't Tilly Soames (and sadly she isn't Trevor McDonald in disguise either), she's Tilly Masterson, sister of Jill, and she wants revenge on Goldfinger for her sister's murder. She was aiming at him earlier and not Bond. This is a welcome twist, yet I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed about the Trevor McDonald thing. Suddenly the idea of a film franchise starring a young cross-dressing Trevor McDonald travelling the globe assassinating corrupt businessmen is highly appealing. Get on it Hollywood!
The pair flee back to Bond's car and are pursued by a group of the most inept guards ever. They're kind've like a Chinese version of the Minions. They're even dressed in yellow and blue!
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'Bananaaaaa!'
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Bond manages to lose one of the tails by utilising the car's smokescreens and then another by spraying oil all over the road (is there anything this car can't do?!), resulting in the Minions' car careening off a cliff in flames. You won't see that in Minions 2...
Coming to the literal end of the road, Bond is forced to exit the car and engage in a shootout with the remaining car-full of Minions. On Bond's signal, Tilly makes a break for the cover of the trees but, too bad for her, Oddjob arrives and she gets the Super-Cool Frisbee Bowler Hat of Death to the face, killing her instantly. Bond of course is pissed, and in his distraction is captured by Oddjob and the Minions. The next woman Bond sees had better watch out, because he is bound to be very backed up by now!
The next woman Bond sees turns out to be a kindly-looking old woman operating the barrier-gate to Goldfinger's facility as he is forced to drive at gunpoint. Bond appears to consider it for a moment, but decides that escaping his captors is probably more important than sexing Grandma (I feel Bond is really growing as a person in this instalment) and continues on through the barrier. Once through however, Bond employs some quick thinking and uses the ejector seat to rid himself of his Minion passenger, before performing a U-turn and barrelling through a crowd of additional Minions.
Upon return to the barrier-gate, it soon becomes clear that passing on bedding Grandma was probably a wise decision, because Grandma is a bit of a psycho!
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Grandma, what big gun you have!
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She opens fire on James with a big ole machine gun, forcing him to turn around and drive further into the facility, where he is chased through alleys by Minions before being cut off by Oddjob and crashing into a wall. Q is not going to be happy!
Bond awakens strapped to a table (make your own Bondage joke here), and is greeted by Goldfinger who makes a half-hearted attempt to play the Backstory Game. However rather than a heart-warming origin tale revealing the genesis of Goldfinger's obsession with gold stemming from the memory of his mother's golden locks, or from a beloved golden retriever he owned as a boy, he simply says he's always liked gold and that's all we get...Well that was riveting.
Goldfinger also shows Bond his new toy: an industrial laser which can draw a spot on the moon and cut through metal. Sounds pretty cool. It can also cut through spies too, as Bond almost finds out when Goldfinger sets the laser to work its way up the table and through Bond! Bond tries to scare Goldfinger with the threat that if he dies, 008 will replace him, but not being female this threat does not work on Goldfinger. Just as Bond's 007 is about to be lasered into two 003.5s, he manages to convince Goldfinger to turn the laser off by bluffing that he knows information that could harm Operation Grand Slam. Goldfinger can't take that risk. He takes his tennis very seriously. Bond is knocked out. Again.
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Those genital warts don't stand a chance!
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Bond awakens (again) to be confronted by a woman who introduces herself as Pussy Galore. I'm not even touching that one. It's too easy. Bond however proclaims that he must be dreaming, confirming (as if there was ever any doubt) that Bond's subconscious is just as much of a sleaze as he is. They are in Goldfinger's private jet on their way to Baltimore and Pussy is Goldfinger's private pilot. Also, she's immune to Bond's charm. So naturally, he turns his attention to on-board hostess Mei Lei. Jump Mei Lei! It's better than the alternative! In the air, no-one can hear you scream...
Later, as Bond changes in the bathroom for landing, Pussy orders Mei-Lei to observe him through a number of secret peep-holes. Bond is wise to his audience however and manages to block her view. Apparently Bond isn't into the whole voyeur thing. Although something tells me if the roles were reversed, he'd be all over it. Bond activates his tracker, conceals it in the heel of his shoe, and re-enters the cabin for more flirting with Pussy. He so wants Pussy, but something tells me he's not going to get Pussy. I mean, I'm sure he'll get pussy eventually, just not Pussy pussy. He seems a little intimidated by her actually. Pussy.
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Pussy.
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Back in England, M hears from Leiter that they've tracked Bond to Baltimore where he's just landed on Goldfinger's plane, and that their final destination appears to be somewhere in Kentucky. Hey, wasn't Fort Knox in Kentucky...? I'm sure it's a coincidence...
Upon landing at Pussy Galore's Flying Circus (that doesn't sound like a kid-friendly show), Bond makes one final attempt at Pussy, but she shuts him down and delivers him into the clutches of Oddjob who takes him away. Pussy stays behind to greet her all-female squadron whom I am dubbing The Stepford Pilots. It is suddenly very clear how Pussy Galore got her name and why Bond has no chance with her...
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The Sue Storm cosplayers were out in force!
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Bond is taken to Goldfinger's ranch Auric Stud, where he is greeted by the man himself and shown to a cell. Naturally the first thing he does is check the bedsprings. Even in captivity, his mind is always in the bedroom. Meanwhile, Leiter and another CIA agent are contemplating whether or not to intervene and drop in on Bond, but Leiter insists he'll call if he needs them. Ah Shady, you've really let your standards slip. Two movies ago you'd have been charging in on a naval ship, hollering for all to hear. Sort it out!
Whilst Bond lounges in his room, Goldfinger meets with his business associates who are all rather pissed that they haven't received their fee for transporting Goldfinger's gold. He makes them an offer. He can give them the $1 million he owes them now or $10 million tomorrow. Hmmm, there has to be a catch here. But don't worry, these guys are no fools. As evidenced by one gentleman's objection that 'banks don't open on Sundays'. Yeah...they don't seem to have grasped the whole villain thing...
Goldfinger presses some buttons and flicks some switches on his nifty pool table-cum-control panel and a giant screen showing a map emerges from one of the walls. It appears it's the 'Explaining My Entire Evil Plan in Detail' portion of the evening.
Professor Goldfinger uses his fancy lecturing stick to (somewhat unnecessarily) point to the only thing on the map, which happens to be Fort Knox!
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Yeah...thanks for that Goldfinger...
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The fort apparently holds the entire gold supply of the United States and it appears Goldfinger intends to rob it! Oh. Em. Gee! Plot twist! The assembled businessmen seem apprehensive due to the many guards which patrol the fort, however Goldfinger seems unconcerned and via some more switch-flipping reveals another map which emerges from the floor. It's pretty much identical to the first one, except this one is in 3D! Which means it costs around £3.50 extra to look at.
We then cut to Bond in his cell, who by now is so unbelievably horny that he has resorted to flirting with the minion guarding his cell door. When the curious minion unlocks and enters the cell however (no doubt looking to see what all the fuss is about surrounding this Bond guy. I mean, you would right?), it transpires that it was all a ruse enabling Bond to knock him out, steal his gun and escape. Worst hook-up ever.
We're back with Goldfinger as he explains the finer details of his plan (aka Operation Grandslam, not tennis-related after all I'm afraid), however his cohorts (one of whom is named Mr Midnight! Great name!) are growing impatient. The plan is as follows: the next day at dawn, Pussy and her Stepford Pilots will fly over the depository and spray the area with an invisible nerve gas called Delta 9, rendering the guards unconscious for 24 hours. This will allow Goldfinger's taskforce to blow up the electrified fence surrounding the building and then storm the entrance. Got that? Pussy will spray, explosion and then the entering. Not the usual order of business but we'll see how it goes.
Everyone seems at least intrigued by the plan. All except one that is, the aptly-named Mr Solo, who declares himself out and demands his $1 million right away. Goldfinger calmly accepts this and exits with Mr Solo to 'take care of him'. Hmm...I'm sure he'll be fine!
Unbeknownst to Goldfinger, never one to miss an evil plan being explained, Bond has conveniently managed to find his way to the perfect vantage point under the model map and has been taking notes. He wraps his notes around the tracker which he removes from his shoe and is about to resume eavesdropping, when someone pulls his feet out from under him. It is Pussy and a pair of minions! (Now there's a sex-tape!) She forces Bond to surrender his gun and leads him away.
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2 Minions 1 Pussy
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Elsewhere, one of Goldfinger's henchmen does some switch-flipping of his own, resulting in all ventilation in the Map Room being blocked off before the room is filled with the Delta 9 nerve gas. It appears Goldfinger wasn't as trustworthy as he appeared.
Outside, Goldfinger bids farewell to a surprisingly not-dead Mr Solo, sending him off with his $1 million in gold, but not before Bond arrives with Pussy (he wishes!) and sneakily drops the plan-wrapped tracker into Mr Solo's pocket. One small detail: Oddjob is on chauffeur duty again. Perhaps Mr Solo isn't out of the woods just yet...
Pussy informs Goldfinger that Bond was eavesdropping on the details of Operation Grand Slam, but Goldfinger seems unconcerned. He has more important things to worry about. Like lunch probably (and this time I most definitely mean lunch!).
Meanwhile, Leiter and his partner are alerted of the tracker's movements and thinking it is Bond, proceed to follow. Little do they know that they are following Mr Solo, who is unceremoniously offed by Oddjob along the way. Called it! Leiter quips that Bond is likely headed for either 'a drink or a dame'. He knows Bond so well. Nailed it Shady! Oddjob stops off at a scrapyard where he proceeds to crush the car (complete with Solo and tracker) into a cube. With the tracker signal dead, Leiter and friend decide to pay a visit to Goldfinger's farm. Good call.
Back at said farm, Goldfinger is getting creepy with Pussy over drinks, but if Bond has no chance, then he has even less! His assistant Kisch informs him of two men with binoculars observing from afar. Deducing that these are most likely Bond's friends (which of course they are) Goldfinger asks Pussy to change into something more slutty suitable, with the intention of making it appear that James is having the time of his life and doesn't require assistance. Good tactic all considered. One look at Pussy in all her Galore-y and Bond will probably want to stay anyway.
Bond is summoned to drink with Goldfinger and proceeds to tell him why Operation Grand Slam will fail. Turns out Delta 9 is fatal and will needlessly kill everyone instead of knocking them out. Unsurprisingly this doesn't seem to upset Goldfinger. Also, Bond points out that the amount of gold in Fort Knox would be far too heavy and take far too long to remove before the army turns up to stop Goldfinger. Again, Goldfinger is not phased. It turns out that his plan was never to steal the gold, but to set off an atomic device (supplied by the Chinese) in the gold depository, contaminating the gold with radioactivity for the next 58 years (very specific!) and increasing the value of Goldfinger's gold tenfold. I have to say it's a pretty good plan actually, although why Pussy can't just drop the bomb from her plane I'm not quite clear on, but then again, I was off the day we learned about nuclear devices and their uses. Bond is also impressed by the plan, and with Goldfinger threatening that the bomb could go off anywhere in the country if the authorities try to find it, there is not much Bond can do for now. Except Pussy, who returns in a somewhat less revealing outfit than I was expecting.
As Goldfinger leaves with Oddjob and the cube previously known as Mr Solo, Bond and Pussy walk off hand in hand, convincing Leiter and co that Bond is fine and prompting them to leave.
James and Pussy find themselves in a barn, and James tries to convince Pussy that Goldfinger is mad, but she's having none of it. Something else she's having none of is Bond's advances, as she proceeds to effectively throw him around when he tries it on. She could make a fortune teaching Defence Against Bond classes to the women of the world! Then things get weird though and James literally forces himself on her. Sure she appears to 'give in' right at the last moment, but he fights her pretty hard for it beforehand. It's set up as the big moment where the sexual tension finally bears fruit, but it just comes across as wrong. I don't even have any witty comments about it, it's just plain creepy. Not cool Bond!
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Does that face say 'Yes!' to you?!
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In any case, after a quick bout of barely-consensual-barn-sex, Pussy's Stepford Pilots commence their flyby spraying of Fort Knox. All the guards are knocked out (or is that killed?) instantly and it is hilarious. You can almost hear the director shouting 'aaaaaand fall!' in the background. Everyone falls at exactly the same second, except for one guy who is too busy chatting and misses the cue, falling a second later. Perhaps he has built up a higher tolerance from a previous Pussy-spraying.
Guards neutralised, Goldfinger's men (with Bond and Oddjob in tow) drive through the compound and we see Leiter's car by the roadside, with Leiter himself hanging out the window apparently succumbed to the deadly gas! Shady dead?! Say it ain't so! The minions blow the fence with explosives and they're in! And for a supposedly impenetrable fort, that fence was pretty flimsy, electrified or not!
Remember that big laser from earlier? The one that nearly chopped off Bond's most prized possession? Well it's back and the minions use it to gain access to the depository itself. Goldfinger then arrives via helicopter piloted by Pussy in a rather fetching all-white ensemble. Sure it looks good, but is that really the most practical colour to wear to a heist Pussy? The nuclear device is unloaded and set, the vault is opened (ironically the easiest part of the operation thus far) and the countdown to detonation starts.
Receiving confirmation that the bomb has been set, Leiter and the rest of the soldiers miraculously wake up! They were just playing dead all along! Sneaky Shady! I wonder if he can catch a Frisbee in his mouth too...The soldiers proceed to move in to stop the bomb.
In the vault, Bond is handcuffed to the bomb itself and after one last longing look at the stacks and stacks of gold from Goldfinger (seriously, I guarantee you he has a hard-on under that jacket), is lowered on an elevator to the lower levels.
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That awkward moment when you finally get fucked, but not in the way you wanted...
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Outside, the soldiers storm the fort, overpowering the minions (like that would be hard) and the rest of Goldfinger's men. Upon seeing this, Goldfinger closes the vault locking Bond, Oddjob and the leader of his men inside. He then manages to escape by posing as a military officer and by throwing the rest of his men under the bus. Although you'd have thought the big GOLDEN gun he is holding would have given him away! The clue is in the name people!
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Fooling no-one Goldfinger. Or is that EVERYONE?!
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Back in the vault, Taskforce Leader is freaking out and wants to defuse the bomb, but Oddjob has other ideas and throws him from over the railing to his death! Sucks to be him, but it does enable James to pilfer his corpse for the handcuff key. No longer shackled to the bomb, Bond makes a run for it, as Oddjob descends the stairs to reach him. Use your Super-Cool Frisbee Bowler Hat of Death Oddjob! He does, but his aim is way off and now he is hatless. Maybe time to upgrade to the Super-Cool Boomerang Bowler Hat of Death...
Retrieving his hat he tries again, but this time only succeeds in severing some electrical wires. Get it together Oddjob! Bond's aim is much better however, and manages to clock Oddjob right in the chest with a gold bar. Oddjob doesn't even flinch. If there was any remaining doubt, there is your confirmation: Android!
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Hey Oddjob, do you dream of electric sheep?
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A scuffle ensues, as the minions continue to fight the military outside, culminating in Bond using Oddjob's hat against him, wedging it between some metal bars and then electrocuting said bars with the severed wire from earlier when Oddjob moves to retrieve it. Result: one fried android.
Meanwhile, the bomb-timer continues to count down, and as the firefight outside spreads into the vault, Bond manages to break open the casing, exposing the inner-workings of the bomb. It kind've looks like something The Joker might cobble together, but with no hope of Batman saving the day, Bond is running out of time. Out of other options, Bond is just about to rip the shit out of the wiring (yeah, good plan James!), when Leiter and friends arrive just in time to flip the off-switch on the bomb. The off-switch! Why didn't I think of that?!
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| What happened to the good old days when bombs consisted of a black ball with a string sticking out of it? |
No longer in danger of being irradiated, Bond speaks to Leiter and finds that Goldfinger is still at large, and that Pussy actually helped them switch the gas in the plane canisters to a non-lethal variation. Why would she do such a thing I hear you ask? James' magic cock saves the day again!
Some time later James boards a private plane to the White House. He has been summoned by the President. It appears his cock is to be given a commendation. Upon take-off however, after taking a moment to look smug, Goldfinger appears brandishing his big gold gun! One final scuffle occurs and the gun goes off, blasting one of the plane's windows. Goldfinger is sucked out of the window in what has to be one of the most hilarious death scenes in cinematic history.
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| 'Tell my gold I died a hero!' |
James enters the cockpit to find Pussy, struggling to bring the plane out of a nosedive. As Leiter and co. watch from Air Traffic Control, the plane crashes into the ocean in a fiery explosion. Pussy went bang!
As Leiter searches for the pair from a helicopter, Pussy (with not a scratch on her or her fabulous gold sleeveless blouse!) desperately tries to get his attention, but her attempts at rescue are foiled by James who pulls her to the ground and covering them both with a parachute, once again subjects her to his will. She looks marginally more receptive to it this time, but I'm chalking that up to Stockholm Syndrome.
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| 'Help! This blouse is dry-clean only!' |
And that my friends, was Goldfinger. It was a pretty decent instalment all things considered. It had a little more sexual harassment than I'm used to, and a lot more Pussy than the movies I normally watch, but all in all I enjoyed it. As is probably already evident, I wont be achieving my self-imposed deadline of having all the Bond movies watched and recapped by the time Spectre comes out (in a little over a month!), but I'll hopefully get at least a couple more in before that time, and the rest will follow in due course.
Next up is 1965's Thunderball. Till then!
