My First Time With James Bond - Part #2: 'From Russia With Love'

So I made it through my first Bond film, and I actually had a blast writing about it. So it's with barely-contained anticipation that I start the second one and continue my mammoth Bond marathon, all through the eyes of a beginner.

This time around I'm watching 1963's From Russia With Love. Here goes...

We open with Bond creeping hurriedly through an ornate garden, complete with gargoyles and statues. He is being stalked by a blonde man, who does not look like he's having more fun. The man steps on a twig (why are there always twigs lying around when you're trying to be sneaky?!) and Bond is startled, although it's unclear whether he's startled by the twig-snapping itself or the invisible brass-player who decides to start up at this exact moment. Either way, Bond is rattled. Also, for some reason he's wearing bright pink lipstick...not his usual shade.

'It's a new shade. It's called 'Burning Sensation'.'

After more sneaking around and aimless shooting, Bond disturbs Non-Fun Blonde who had stopped to floss, and gets garrotted as a result. Garrotted to death! What the-?! Floodlights come on and reveal a large group of men assembled, one of whom approaches Non-Fun and congratulates him on offing Bond in such a timely fashion, before full-on ripping Bond's face off! It's ok though, it wasn't Bond, it was an impostor wearing a 'super-convincing' Bond mask (available in all good toy stores!). I am intrigued...

Some slinky woman waves her hands (and other body parts!) all over the credits rather inconsiderately...



Bitch, I'm trying to read!

From one thrilling sequence to another, we are now in Venice where a super-tense game of chess is taking place between two gentleman. It's a championship game, so you know, it's sort of a big deal. A bug-eyed gentleman player (whom the scoreboard informs me is called Kronsteen), receives a covert message via a coaster of all things, stating that he is 'required at once' alongside a strange octopus-like symbol. Please say the villain is an octopus! Unperturbed, Kronsteen continues with the game and beats his opponent like a boss. The crowd goes wild (who wouldn't?!) and he leaves without cracking a smile. It's like the chess equivalent of dropping the mic.

Look at that face. Zero fucks given.

Kronsteen the Chess-God is taken to a cruise-liner, where a telepathic cat makes a parallel between Siamese Fighting Fish and SPECTRE (the villainous villain organisation from the first film), whilst a red-headed Russian woman referred to as Number 3 watches in fascination as two such fish beat the shit out of each other. 

Coming soon to ITV2: 'Celebrity Fish Fighting'!

Kronsteen enters and under questioning from the telepathic cat (whom basic numeracy skills allow me to deduce is the boss, owing to the fact that he goes by Number 1), lays out his plan to steal the film's MacGuffin from the Russians, namely the Lektor decoding machine.

'Mmmhmm, and then what happened...?'

For this they will need a female Russian cryptographer (which Number 3 can provide) and the co-operation of the British Secret Service. Kronsteen is banking on the fact that the British will know it is a trap and that they will send James Bond, allowing SPECTRE a chance at revenge for their dearly departed Dr. No. Apparently SPECTRE are a sentimental bunch.

On SPECTRE Island (sounds like a magical place!), Non-Fun Blonde is sunbathing on the lawn with a female companion (also blonde, making them The Two Non-Fun Blondes!). Elsewhere on the island Number 3 arrives by helicopter and is greeted by the congratulatory man from earlier. She's here to see a man about a job. He's a convicted murderer, homicidal paranoiac and prison escapee. She is impressed by this. That's going on my CV. On the way to see this stand-up guy, they pass through the SPECTRE training grounds, which is kind of like a cross between The Hunger Games and the aftermath of a Next sale.

She lost some good friends that day, but got a great pair of jeans at 80% off!

It turns out the man she is here to see is none other than Non-Fun Blonde himself, or to use his real name: Donald Grant. That's not a very intimidating name for a supposed bad-ass assassin (and nor is that towel!), so I'm sticking with Non-Fun. Number 3 determines he's fit for purpose by punching him in the stomach with some knuckle-dusters (worst job interview ever!), and leaves for Istanbul.

Terrifying!

The next day, Russian cryptographer Tatiana Romanova meets with Number 3 (who is really called Colonel Klebb of SMERSH...yeah, I'd go with Number 3 as well), and is informed of her mission. She is to provide false information to the enemy and if she succeeds she will be promoted. Then things get weird and Number 3 essentially asks her if she'd sleep with a man for the mission. Turns out she has no choice. She'll do as she's told or be shot. Throughout this exchange, Number 3 gets progressively more handsy, and the scene ends on an ambiguous note, but with definite implied scissoring...To be fair, who could resist these glasses...

 

Spexy and she knows it...

 

Back in England, James is schmoozing with Sylvia Trench in a boat on the river bank (what is it with this man and boats?!), when Moneypenny calls to tell him he's needed at work. He'll be right there after he finishes catching up with Sylvia. And by catching up I mean committing public lewdness by the riverside.

In the office it's Briefing Time again: A Russian cryptographer (our girl Tatiana) has decided to defect, and will hand over a stolen Lektor decoder on the condition that Bond is the one to retrieve her and the machine from Istanbul. James doesn't seem all that fussed about the mission until, that is, he sees a picture of Tatiana. Then of course, he's good to go, can leave any second, just needs to pack some condoms and a passport! All for the sake of National Security of course...

'Yes, this is my official agency picture...'

Before he sets off, he's given a super high-tech spy briefcase, complete with hidden ammunition, pop-out throwing blade, gold sovereign coins and a tear gas bomb. Somehow I can't see this getting through airport security... He also gets a foldaway gun. With one last obligatory flirt with Moneypenny, we're off to Istanbul.

Upon arrival, Non-Fun Blonde is waiting to sneer from a distance (because apparently Bond can't get off a plane without someone waiting for him) and Bond is driven to meet with contact Kerim Bey. But not without being tailed by some Russians first (because apparently Bond can't drive from the airport without someone tailing him either), but it's totally cool, it happens all the time, the Turks and the Russians have an agreement to look out for each other, according to Bond's driver.

Kerim Bey thinks that Bond is wasting his time humouring Tatiana, but Bond decides to wait until she makes contact (the man enjoys a good contact!). Outside, one of the Russian tails is bound and gagged and taken away in the back seat of Non-Fun's car, as his partner (a mousey man wearing a grey tie and a beret, so naturally we'll call him Greytie Beret) watches after him in alarm.

'Who's gonna drive me home now?!'

After checking into his hotel, James does his best impression of a Four in a Bed contestant, finding that the room is bugged along the way (at least it wasn't pubes in the bed!). He asks to be changed room (to the bridal suite nonetheless), and the staff oblige, but seem rather shifty. I don't think he'll be paying the full amount!

'When I signed up for a show called 'Four in a Bed' these aren't the kinds of crannies I thought I'd be inspecting...'

Meanwhile, Non-Fun Blond deposits the body of the Russian driver outside the Russian Consulate with the intention of framing the British and inciting hostility between the two nations, and drives off with Number 3 who is still wearing those fetching glasses.

Later, Kerim Bey takes a reluctant break from work for some 'recreation time' with his lady-friend (during which he indirectly refers to her lady parts as 'the salt mine', I hate to think why!), only to be interrupted by an explosion tearing through the room. Don't you just hate when that happens? It appears Number 3's plan has worked and the Russians have retaliated against the British for the death of their agent.

Bond and Bey (of course unaware of SPECTRE's involvement) plan to find out more about the reasoning behind the attack, and Bey takes Bond to an underground reservoir where they channel their inner Phantom and Christine on their way to a super-secret spying post underneath the Russian Consulate.

'Beneath the Consulaaaate...I know he's theeeere!'

Whilst spying on the Russians, Bey recognises a Bulgarian agent named Krilencu whom the Russians use as an assassin and whom he has had trouble with in the past. This of course goes in one ear and out the other for Bond, who is instantly distracted once Tatiana enters the room, although she is only visible from the neck down. That's ok though, Bond isn't hung up on things like looks. As long as a woman has a great rack and a nice set of pins.

'I think I've seen enough here.'

Spurred on by the idea of meeting Ms Romanova in the flesh, Bond asks Bey to procure plans of the Consulate for him. Sure, he's already cased her joint, now let's case another!

Fearing it may not be safe for Bond to stay at his hotel, Bey takes him to stay with his gypsy friends. Little do they know however that Krilencu and his men are lurking in the shadows waiting to make their move (and communicating on the world's largest mobile phones!).

'HELLO?! Yeah I'm just in the middle of a siege!'

A group of assassins however is the least of their worries, as it turns out they have arrived on a rather dangerous night! Two of the gypsy women have fallen for the same man, and as is customary, they will fight to see who gets him. Shit is about to get real here people! But not before we are treated to a spot of belly-dancing, because that's what you do before an all-female fight to the death apparently...It goes on for a while and is actually quite hypnotic. Of course Bond's eyes practically leave his head. This man literally thinks of nothing else.

At least PRETEND to look uncomfortable!

The two prospective brides are released and instantly go at it, taking chunks out of each other (you can just tell Bond is thinking 'someone throw on some mud!'), but before either can get in a finishing blow, Krilencu's team arrive and the shit hits the fan. Wagons are set on fire, people are stabbed, Krilencu succeeds in wounding Kerim (just in the arm, but still!), and Bond is nearly skewered, but Non-Fun Blond snipes his would-be attacker from afar. He has plans for Bond, and if anyone's going to skewer him, it'll be him!

In gratitude for saving his life, the gypsy chief gives Bond some flowers and a nice card two human girls! The two fighting girls are his to do with as he pleases. Which as we all know is not play Monopoly.

'I still get to be the dog!'

The next day, after a 'heartfelt' farewell to his two possessions female companions, Bond departs the Gypsy settlement. That night, he accompanies Bey to stake out Krilencu's hideout. Apparently he's tried to assassinate Bey before and Bey has had enough of his shit. Luckily, Bond has brought his snazzy foldaway gun. Whilst two of Bey's sons disguised as policemen ring his doorbell (because every secret hideout has a doorbell...?), Krilencu escapes out of the least inconspicuous escape hatch ever:

Shut yo mouth!

Bey uses Bond's gun and shoots Krilencu dead. Bond is amused.

Back at his hotel, James pre-orders his breakfast for the next morning (Figs! Bond likes to stay regular), and prepares for a bath, only to discover a naked woman waiting for him in his bed. He must have pre-ordered her too. Oh no, wait, it's Tatiana. She's finally arrived to make contact.

Did someone order Russian Girl Over Easy?

Reacting as if this sort of thing happens all the time (and who are we kidding, it does!) James wastes no time in pumping her...for information! The Lektor decoder machine is in the Russian Consulate and Tatiana (or as her friends call her, Tania) will retrieve building schematics so they can infiltrate and collect the machine. Information gleaned, James bids her goodnight and sends her on her way....Just kidding, they totally do it. Unbeknownst to James that Number 3 is filming the whole thing behind a two-way mirror. Although if he did know, he'd probably ask for a copy of the tape!

The next day, as planned James and 'Tania', posing as tourists, attend the Saint Sophia mosque separately (where a snooze-fest of a tour is taking place), and Tania makes a dead-drop of the Consulate plans inside a compact. Before Bond can retrieve it however, Greytie Beret (who had been tailing Tania) gets his hands on it. Luckily Non-Fun Blonde is at hand to take him out (he's always there when you need him, that guy!), leaving Bond to find his body and the plans.

Are we having fun yet...?

Later with Bey, Bond compares the plans Tatiana provided with the ones Bey whipped up. They match. Well that was a pointless exercise! Bey is concerned that Tatiana isn't being entirely honest about her motivations (you'd be right there Bey!), but Bond is willing to risk it for another shot in the sack with her. Oh, and the decoding device!

With this in mind, James meets Tatiana on the ferry and she gives him a detailed description of the Lektor machine (although all she really wants to discuss is sexing with James. I think he's met his soulmate!) which James transmits back to England where M and co are listening. They confirm it's authenticity and James arranges the date for it's retrieval. The 14th, not the 13th. James is a superstitious guy.

When the day arrives, Bond attends the Consulate, posing as a visa applicant, whilst Bey lurks underground, from where he sets off a series of explosions. There is lots of smoke, coughing, people understandably panic. People also seem really concerned about saving their drawers...this seems a rather cumbersome emergency procedure.

'Save the drawers! For the love of God, THE DRAWERS!!'

Bond uses this distraction to find Tatiana and the Lektor machine and (together with Bey) they flee via the underground passageways. Their escape is almost hampered by a horde of rats (whom I can only assume have been employed by the Consulate as miniature security guards), however they are ineffective and our heroes make it out onto the street, where they hop on a train, pursued by Russian Security Officer Benz (First name Mercedes). Also on-board? Non-Fun Blonde! What are the odds?!

Fancy meeting you here!

The gang get settled into their adjoining rooms and James and Tania get to grips with their new identities (how many names does this girl need?!): David and Caroline Somerset. 'Somerset. David Somerset'...doesn't really have the same ring to it. Kerim Bey has organised the whole thing: the conductor will stop the train near the border, where Bey's sons (how many sons does this man have?!) will be waiting to drive them to an airstrip, then home! Bond uses the phrase 'we'll drink to that in London'...Something tells me Kerim isn't making it to London...

Kerim is concerned that Officer Mercedes Benz will cause trouble for them before they depart the train, so he and Bond pay him a visit in his compartment. Bond restrains him and Bey stays behind to keep an eye on him, and to attempt to bore him to death.

'Just kill me now...'

Meanwhile Tatiana/Tania/Caroline has been entertaining herself with the new wardrobe that James bought for her. Because apparently he had time do some shopping amidst all the assassination attempts and Consulate heists!

I wonder if James is up for some role-play...?

After an impromptu fashion show, James insists they leave as it's almost time for them to meet Kerim in the restaurant car in order to make their departure from the train. Upon leaving their room however, a conductor summons Bond to Benz's room where he discovers that both Benz and Kerim are dead, apparently having shot each other. A likely tale!

Bond immediately surmises (somehow!) that Tania is acting under orders and returns to their compartment to literally beat it out of her! Like, he full-on slaps her about! I mean, we all know he's hardly the paragon of how to treat women, but this is not cool Bond. In any case, it doesn't work, and all she can say is 'I love you' over and over like a deranged Furby. Suddenly I want to hit her too! She loves him? Already?! Man, he must be good in bed!

Today on Jeremy Kyle...

At Beograd station, Bond meets with yet another of Kerim's sons (seriously, did he just travel around the country inseminating women?!) who was alerted by his brothers after the train didn't stop at the frontier as planned. Bond is all: 'sorry your dad is dead, but could you call M for me and arrange for someone to meet me at the next stop? K thnx bai!' Little does he know however, that Non-Fun is listening in...This can't be good.

Upon arrival at the next station, Bond's backup is waiting, however Non-Fun gets to him first, making quick work of him in a public toilet (we've all been there!) before assuming his identity (Captain Nash) and re-boarding the train with Bond. Non-Nash introduces himself (and I realise this is the first time he's spoken in the entire film!) and suggests they have a bite to eat before devising their plan to get the decoder machine across the border. He goes ahead with Tania whilst Bond snoops through his briefcase.

At dinner, Non-Nash orders red wine with fish, which if anything screams villain, it's that! Tania is in a huff because it's been over an hour since James last sexed her, so she doesn't notice when Non-Nash drugs her wine.

Not a happy nympho.

Bond however does, but doesn't say anything because he's not one to make a scene. Back in the compartment, with Tania sleeping, he confronts 'Nash' who explains it away by saying his escape plan does not allow the extra baggage that Tania creates, which Bond stupidly buys before being knocked out...Really Bond, you're better than that.

Upon coming to, Bond makes the same comment about the wine/fish combo and proves that I should totally be a spy (or a somalier), before Non-Nash dives into the obligatory 'explaining my entire plan in detail' portion of the evening. He's working for SPECTRE, Tania thinks she's working for her country, and he plans on framing Bond for a murder-suicide after taking the Lektor machine. There's also something about a sex-scandal in there involving the footage from Bond's hotel. Naturally this is the part that concerns Bond the least.

Bond tries to buy his way out of the situation with the fifty gold sovereigns from his super-cool spy briefcase (I did wonder what use those could possibly have!). Fifty just ain't cutting it for Non-Nash however, who decides to look for more in the second briefcase (Real Nash's briefcase I'm assuming). He doesn't know the fancy super-secret opening technique however and he sets of the teargas bomb within, allowing Bond to catch him off-guard.

They fight, bouncing back and forth between the two compartments (without any consideration for poor Tania trying to sleep I might add), and it looks as if we may be getting a repeat of the opening scene for a moment, with Bond on the receiving end of Non-Fun's garrotte! However, Bond manages to reach his pop-out blade from his briefcase (isn't it super convenient how every item in the case came in handy!) and stab him before using his own garrotte on him. Take that Blondie!

Definitely not having fun now.

The train stops in accordance with Non-Fun's escape plan (although he won't be needing it now!), and Bond takes a sleepy Tania and disembarks. Knocking out the driver of the waiting getaway truck, Bond throws Tania in the flatbed and sets off.

Suddenly it's morning and the truck is spotted by a helicopter, the occupants of which start lobbing grenades at them! Either these guys work for SPECTRE or the guys at Police Interceptors have really taken a no-tolerance stance on speeding...

James gets out and takes the Lektor to try and draw their attention. It appears they have grenades but no guns, because they don't even attempt to shoot him, just fly menacingly overhead. Bond however, never one to be unprepared, does have a gun and manages to shoot one of the men just as he un-pins a grenade, resulting in a giant fireball and a crashed helicopter. I hope they had insurance!

Definitely not getting their deposit back.

Bond 'convinces' the getaway driver to lead them to his boat, which they all board, only for Bond to then push the driver into the water. That seems rather unnecessary. At least unbind the poor man's hands!

Next stop: Venice apparently.

Back at SPECTRE HQ, Number 1 the Telepathic Cat is unhappy that the plan to steal the Lektor has failed, whilst Number 3 and Number 5 squabble over who's fault it was. Number 1 has no time for this crap and uses his feline telepath powers to instruct his pet human to slice Number 5's legs with a fancy shoe-blade. It is laced with venom and Number 5 collapses and dies. It takes twelve seconds. Still not fast enough for Number 1. These villainous cats, nothing is ever good enough for them! Number 3 has one last chance to retrieve the Lektor. She may also have soiled herself...

*gulp*

Meanwhile, back on the boat, Bond and Tania are pursued by a trio of SPECTRE speedboats. They've learned their lesson this time and have brought guns, however they only succeed in puncturing the fuel barrels on the couple's boat. Bond, ever the quick-thinker, sets the barrels loose and shoots them as they near their pursuers, leaving them a tad hot and bothered and allowing Bond and Tania to escape.

Disco Inferno!

Safely in Venice, all is well and Bond and Tania are no doubt moments away from celebratory sex in their hotel, when a maid enters their room. But it's no maid, it's Number 3 ingeniously disguised as one!

How inconspicuous of you...

With James at gunpoint, she forces Tania to take the Lektor and leave. Just as it seems like it's curtains for James however, Tania rushes Number 3 disarming her. James channels his inner lion-tamer and scuffles with Number 3 who also has that fancy pop-out blade in her shoe (seriously, where can I buy a pair of those?), but it is Tania who saves the day, shooting her dead and probably ensuring she herself is never allowed back to this hotel. I'm pretty sure murder in the suites is not considered appropriate guest behaviour, self defence or otherwise...

James Bond: Adept with any 'weapon' apparently.

And with that, we just have time for a relaxing gondola ride down the canal (nothing like a gondola ride after killing a woman, am I right?), in which Bond disposes of the sex-tape from earlier and sets about re-enacting it right there in the boat. Again with the boat! There has to be a word for this phenomenon!

Totally made a copy.

And the credits roll, accompanied by the titular song!

I have to say, I've heard the opinion that From Russia With Love is one of the best Bond films, but I really didn't enjoy it as much as Dr. No. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it, I just preferred the first film for various reasons. Ok, who I am I kidding, I missed Honey! Tatiana just didn't cut it as a replacement in my eyes. Honey had backbone, Tatiana had...well probably every STI going after sleeping with James. Seriously, he should really get himself checked out.

Anyways, I am not deterred! Dr. No is my benchmark so far, but with 21 films still to go, it's inevitable I'm not going to like some as much as others.

Also, am I to understand that in a film called From Russia With Love, we never go to Russia once? Talk about false advertising!

Moving on, next on the list is...1964's Goldfinger. Now that is a title I can get behind!