So here I am embarking on my mission to watch all 23 Bond films for the first time and to share my thoughts. I'm pretty excited I must say. There are of course iconic scenes and characters which I am aware of, but I'm intrigued to see them in context. I'll aim to keep to a loose schedule of around one per week, which should more or less take me up to the release of number 24 in November. Although, depending on how hooked I get, that schedule might ramp up a little.
First up is 1962's Dr. No.
So without further ado, it is time to press play. Or as the DVD menu has stylised it: 'Activate'. Cos it's about spies and stuff...
The iconic opening titles, complete with Bond shooting out of the screen. I imagine audiences at the time ducking for cover, still unfamiliar with the concept of cinema. I jest...
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| 'Duuuuuck!' |
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| 'No pictures!' |
So we start off with a posh bridge-playing gentleman and a female switchboard operator who bleeds red poster paint gunned down by a trio of fake-blind men (we'll call them The Faux-Blind Mice), before stealing a file labelled 'Doctor No'. I have a feeling this is going to be important...
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| It's the title of the movie!! |
Turns out the woman was on the line with the most polite call-centre ever before she was killed and they're a little concerned at her broken communication. But in a really polite British way.
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| 'Are you aware that thousands of people have been mis-sold PPI?' |
In a casino where seemingly EVERYONE smokes, our main man
James checks in with secretary Moneypenny, who is totes into him, despite the fact that he essentially equates the idea of dating her with browsing Facebook on company time. Still, she's having none of his shit. I like her.
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| 'I'd totally take you out, but it'd be illegal use of company property!' |
Briefing time: The man who was killed in Jamaica (Strangways) was investigating reports of interference that can apparently throw off the trajectory of rockets with laser-beams. Sounds bad. Bond is to get over there and sort shit out. But first he's stripped of his girly Beretta and made to carry a Walther PPK. Come on Bond, everyone knows the Beretta is like sooooo 1961!
So off to Jamaica he goes, but not before stopping off at his room to fill in Ms Trench....sorry.
Lots of shady characters upon arrival at Jamaica airport, namely Miss Sassy Snapalot, Mr Shady McShaderson and 'Mr Jones' the driver.
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| A whole lotta shade! |
James arrives at his destination and meets a Commissioner Duff who is wearing this ensemble:
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| Commissioner 'Ladykiller' Duff reporting! |
The sound of 1000 pairs of panties dropping can be heard in the distance. Duff takes Bond to Strangways' apartment where he Scooby Doos up some clues, namely a receipt for Dent Laboratories and a photo of Strangways with a man and a shark. Bond exclaims that 'he drove the car that tailed me'. I think he means the man, but I'm excited at the prospect that the villain in this film could be a hyper-intelligent shark with a driving license...
Before heading out for the night, Bond spy-proofs his room with cutting edge techniques including talcum powder on the briefcase clips and a hair/saliva combo on the cupboard door. I'm guessing the cool gadgets etc come later...
Strangway's bridge buddies lead Bond to Quarrel, a local fisherman whom Strangways had spent a lot of time with before his death and who is also the man from the photograph. My shark-villain dreams evaporate. After a brief scuffle with Quarrel and his chum Pussfeller, Shady McShaderson enters and reveals himself to be CIA Agent Felix Leiter. It was all a big misunderstanding. Everyone shakes hands and all is well.
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| 'Pussfeller wrestles alligators!' |
To celebrate, the gang go for drinks and to listen to some catchy Jamaican beats. James attempts some American slang but fails miserably. Team Leiter tell James that the rocket-tampering interference needs to be stopped soon because there's an American rocket launch scheduled in a few days (of course there is!), but it cannot be traced to anywhere in Jamaica or any of the offshore islands. They've checked. Everywhere except Crab Key which is owned by a Chinese gentleman and which is therefore outside their jurisdiction. I'm gonna guess that the interference is coming from Crab Key. Just a hunch.
Before they can discuss this any further, Sassy Snapalot appears doing what she does best, snapping pictures. On orders from James, Quarrel literally twists her arm into sitting with them. She spins them a yarn about working freelance for a local paper called The Daily Gleaner (come on Sassy, you'll have to come up with a better name than that!), before smashing a perfume bottle into Quarrel's face. He doesn't even flinch. The man hangs out with sharks every day, a measly perfume bottle doesn't phase him! They confiscate her film and let her go.
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| Sassy does not like to be manhandled! |
Bond is suspicious about Crab Key (me and him are totes on the same wave-length), and after some more intriguing anecdotes (including the fact that Quarrel took Strangways to obtain some samples from there), Leiter/Shady drops the bomb that the owner of the island is called...wait for it...Dr. No! Dun dun duuuuunnnn!
Later, The Faux-Blind Mice try to take Bond out from afar as he enters Dent Laboratories, and they would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for a meddling passing car spoiling their shot.
Inside, miraculously James manages to have an entire exchange with the female receptionist without falling into bed with her, before meeting Professor Dent and asking him about the receipt he found earlier. Dent claims that Strangways came to him with some worthless rock samples, under the impression that they were valuable, but gets all avoidy when Bond inquires as to whether the rocks could have come from Crab Key, saying it is geologically impossible. I'm not buying it, and by the looks of it, neither is Bond. We're so in-synch!
As if to prove me right, Dent immediately charters a boat to Crab Key, which is heavily guarded by armed men. Dent is led to an empty room and for a second I think he's about to be served the world's largest waffle, but then a creepy disembodied voice derides him for having failed in his task to eliminate Bond. Dent warns The Voice that Bond has picked up the scent leading to Crab Key, before being sent on his way with a plastic spider in a cage...
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| Mmm, waffles... |
Back in his room, Bond checks his fool-proof intruder detectors and discovers that someone has indeed been snooping. He doesn't seem alarmed by this and instead decides to have a drink. Worried that his booze might've been tampered with? Don't be. James is one step ahead and has a back-up bottle stashed in a drawer. He really does think of everything.
Later that night, in bed, Bond is awoken by the plastic spider that has magically been brought to life and planted in his sheets in order to kill him. The spider hasn't been properly briefed on its' mission however and simply crawls around for a bit, before James crushes the shit out of it with a shoe. It wasn't a big role, but a spider's gotta start somewhere.
The next morning Bond checks in with his local bosses, only to discover that the agency's files on Dr. No and Crab Key are missing, last checked out by Strangways, just as he suspected. Should've just phoned, James! However, if he'd done that he wouldn't have been able to pick up the large package which has arrived for him from London, nor arrange to bang secretary Miss Taro later in his room. At three o'clock to be precise. So organised!
The package turns out to contain a portable Geiger counter which James uses to determine that the rocks Strangways took from Crab Key were radioactive, by testing where they were placed in Quarrel's boat. This also determines that Professor 'Pants on Fire' Dent was lying. Bond determines that they need to go to Crab Key to investigate, much to Quarrel's trepidation. You see, apparently there's a dragon on the island. Say what now? Ok, so I may not get my shark dream, but I'll settle for a dragon! They arrange to leave that night.
James returns to his hotel, where he receives a phone message from Miss Taro. She would prefer he pick her up at her apartment, to which she gives directions. Also, she's gagging for it.
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| 'Oh this? I always spend my afternoons seductively sprawled on my bed in nothing but a robe and heels.' |
On the way, James is chased by a hearse of all things, but manages to escape with the help of some handy road-works. The hearse however, careens off a cliff resulting in a mighty fireball. Let's hope it was a cremation!
Upon arriving at Miss Taro's (does this woman have no first name?!), Bond finds her fresh out of the shower, clearly not expecting him despite inviting him up there. I see what's happened, it was all a trap! My suspicions are confirmed when she receives a shady phone-call and promises to try and keep Bond there for 'a couple of hours'. What could they possibly do for all that time...?
Afterwards, James calls for a taxi to take them to dinner, despite Miss Taro's insistence that they eat in. When the 'taxi' arrives however, it contains the police superintendent ready to take Taro away. James knew all along about her duplicity, but rather than leave the minute he realised, he decided he'd rock her world before she went off to jail. He's a considerate guy this Bond character.
Back inside, Bond performs the old 'pillows in the shape of man' trick in the bedroom, and sits back to await his would-be attacker. Sure enough, after some time, in comes Dent himself, firing on the pillow-Bond before being surprised by the real Bond casually playing solitaire behind the door. Like old-school solitaire. With actual cards! Bond gives Dent the Sherlock routine, claiming he knew it was him all along and how he deduced this, before calmly shooting him dead. There's a lot of banging going on in this room tonight!
James meets up with Team Leiter at the docks and they set off for Crab Key. They go so far by speedboat, before James and Quarrel switch to another boat to row the rest of the way. Leiter insists that Cape Canaveral can only wait 48 hours to launch the rocket. James insists he only needs 12. Because he's James Bond! There's also more talk of the dragon. I am excited!
Upon arrival on the island, they conceal their boat and James goes off to find somewhere to sleep. Quarrel it appears, decides he'll just get drunk on rum. Considering they are most certainly going to face significant firepower from the guards, and potentially also a freaking dragon, I feel Quarrel has the right idea.
In the morning, James is awoken by the sound of singing and
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| 'Damn son!' |
Still, James is concerned they will have spotted her boat on radar, and his concerns are warranted as Quarrel appears to warn them of a boat sailing around the beach complete with armed guards. They manage to hide just in time, as the boat approaches the beach and one of the guards is all 'come out, it's cool, we won't shoot, honest', before opening fire on the entire beach. Nice try guard. They give up and leave, promising that they'll return with the dogs. But our heroes ain't afraid of no dogs, not when there's a dragon out there! Honey's heard of it too. In fact she's seen it. James isn't buying it, he's not a believer in dragons. He hasn't gotten around to starting Game of Thrones yet.
James insists that Honey needs to leave, but she's having none of it. Besides, her boat was damaged in the rain of bullets moments prior. Luckily she's a resourceful gal and knows somewhere they can hide. Whilst walking through the waterways, the guards return as promised with the dogs. The gang hides by ducking under the water and using the reeds as makeshift breathing apparatus. Nifty! The dogs almost catch them nevertheless, and it's tense for a moment there, but a flock of birds distracts the dogs just as they are approaching the gang's location. I can only assume that Bond arranged this with them earlier. A lone guard straggles behind, only to get a knife to the throat for his trouble, much to Honey's dismay, and the gang continue on to Honey's Hiding Place, heedless of the barbed-wire fence and the sign reading 'Danger. Do not pass this point', complete with skull and cross-bones. No villain's lair is complete without one!
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| Seems legit. |
After washing off, Quarrel points out some tire-tracks, or as Honey calls them 'dragon tracks'. My dragon dreams go the way of my shark ones. James looks smug.
James and Honey have a heart-to-heart. Backstory Alert! Honey's father was a marine zoologist and they had come to the Caribbean together to study shells. He went missing after a trip to Crab Key and was never seen or heard from again. She also killed a would-be rapist by placing a black widow spider in his bed. He took a week to die. She's sort of a badass. I kind've love her.
The moment is interrupted when Quarrel alerts them of something coming. They run along the beach only to be confronted with...the dragon! Only it's not a dragon. It's a bloody tank. Albeit a pretty badass tank with flamethrowers. OK, granted it looks a little dragon-esque but it's pretty obvious it's a tank, even with the jagged mouth and eyes painted on it. I'm thinking, Honey...gorgeous, a bit of a badass, but not so bright. She did say she's just reached 'T' in her encyclopaedia, so maybe 'tank' hasn't been covered yet...
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| Not a dragon. |
James and Quarrel try to take on the 'dragon', but with only a gun each they really stand no chance against its fire-breathing might, and poor Quarrel gets deep-fried. It's actually pretty horrific. Poor Quarrel. James and Honey are then forced to surrender to the men with guns who emerge from the tank, but not before Honey gets a couple of punches in. I fall even deeper in love with her.
They're taken to a facility where they're scanned by a host of people in very brightly coloured Hazmat suits. They're contaminated with radiation! After a pretty half-hearted scrub-down by the Rainbow Hazmat Crew, it's declared that the contamination has soaked deep into their clothes. They're going to need to get fully naked and be properly decontaminated. Honey isn't happy about this, but James, ever the optimist, decides to make the best of a bad situation and offers Honey up on a platter. 'Do the girl first', he says, because of course he does. Dick move, James. Dick move.
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| 'Watch where you're putting that thing!' |
Once they're all squeaky clean and deradiated, the pair are given swanky bathrobes and slippers (the welcome may not have been the warmest, but the amenities are second to none!), and shown through to a reception-like area where the overly-friendly Sister Lily shows them to their rooms. Apparently they've been expected for some time now. Something's not right here... The rooms are luxurious and plush, but as James points out there are no windows or door-handles. They ain't no guests, they're prisoners. Noting that the room is probably wired, James pours them both some coffee, resulting in them both passing out moments later. Drugged coffee. Rookie mistake.
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| 'Does this coffee taste a bit Rohypnol-y to you?' |
Later, James and Honey (newly adorned in the latest in Eastern-chic) are summoned to dinner. They emerge from the lift into a room featuring what looks like a giant fish-tank (complete with giant fish!), but James surmises that they are actually deep under the sea. A suspicion which is confirmed by Dr. No himself, as he arrives to gloat, in all his stiff-collared, shiny-handed glory. It turns out they aren't gloves after all, but prosthetic hands, which is somehow even creepier. Wait, isn't this guy supposed to be Chinese?
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| Dr. No(t Chinese). |
Over dinner Dr. No plays The Backstory Game, unaware that we already played earlier, and we learn that he's half-German, half-Chinese (that explains it), an unwanted child, head of a Chinese crime syndicate whom he betrayed, stole money from and then fled to America to do villain-y things. In a nutshell. He also reveals he is a member of SPECTRE (another thing I recognise!), essentially a big global villain club for villains. Basically, he offered his services to America and to the East but there were no takers, so he's going to destroy it all. Dr. No reveals that he only let Bond live thus far because he was considering offering him a role within SPECTRE. Bond isn't even tempted and thankfully calls him out on all his 'world domination' bullshit. I'm glad someone did, these villainous justifications get old fast.
Dr. No is called away to do more villain-y things (something involving the imminent launch of the American rocket) and James gets repeatedly bitch-slapped before waking up in a cell. He promptly escapes through the ventilation system (natch!), which connects to a water pipe (this appears to be a very badly designed lair, but I'm no engineer so perhaps this is normal...), a fact Bond discovers when met with a torrent of steaming water. That's gotta smart. He emerges from the tunnels and wrestles a Hazmat suit from an unlucky sod who just happened to be passing by. Sadly not one of the snazzy Rainbow Crew ones, just plain old white. Still, less conspicuous I guess.
Bond finds his way to some kind of vast control room where lots of technical-type stuff is underway in preparation for disrupting the rocket launch and causing all sorts of mischief. Dr. No is overseeing the operation, calling a role-call as each lackey performs their allotted task. Television screens broadcast the countdown to the rocket launch at Cape Canaveral. It's pretty tense!
Fortunately mistaken for one of the lackeys, Bond is able to hide in plain sight and formulate a plan as all the prep goes on around him. The rocket launch is imminent, and Dr. No readies his disruptive beam, which emerges from a giant pencil-looking structure poking out of the ocean. I'd have gone for something scarier, like a lion's head or Kim Kardashian's ass, but that's why I'm not a super-villain. It's all in the subtlety.
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| Scary... |
As the final countdown nears zero, Bond ramps up some dial to dangerous levels (we know this because there is a big sign with an arrow reading: 'Danger Zone') causing the facility to go into meltdown and causing chaos as everyone scrambles to escape. In the ensuing melee, Dr. No and Bond scuffle, but it doesn't last long and ends with Dr. No taking a swim in the pool with the radioactive rods. Now I didn't do chemistry at school, but the water is bubbling and there's lots of steam, so I'm guessing it's not pleasant and I'm assuming he's a goner.
Bond doesn't stick around to find out, he goes off in search of Honey (hey, remember her?). After unnecessarily punching his way through some lackeys, he eventually finds her shackled to the floor of a room as water floods in, and makes short work of her restraints. Like seriously short work. How she couldn't have freed herself, I don't know, but she looks amazing even after her ordeal so I'll let it slide.
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| Flawless, even in mortal peril. |
Outside, chaos reigns as people try to escape the facility before it goes boom. There's a lot of screaming. James and Honey find a boat (that was lucky!), and after James mercilessly beats out the two men occupying it (seriously James, was that really necessary?!), they zoom off, literal seconds before the place finally explodes. Ain't that always the way?
A little later on, out in the middle of the ocean, the boat has run out of fuel. 'What are we going to do now?' Honey asks. Bond's solution (to it seems everything!)? Sex! Good plan Bond, that'll save us. Honey looks as if she fears for her life, but luckily she is saved the indecency of being banged on the floor of a rickety boat in the middle of the ocean when Agent Shady himself appears with a boatful of Marines to save the day. Better late than never Shady!
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| Shady to the rescue! |
James throws a rope to the rescue boat and they begin to tow them back to safety. To celebrate the fact that they won't die of dehydration, Honey decides to treat Bond to a bout of making out. Which she instantly regrets when Bond disconnects the rope tethering them to the rescue boat, and they are once again floating free and she is once again at his mercy. Her eyes say it all.
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| 'Fuuuuck!' |
And with that, I have completed my very first Bond film! And I have to admit, I really enjoyed it. For sure, it was a little dated at times (it is over 50 years old after all), but where it really matters, ie. a good plot and an overall sense of fun, it totally hit the mark. I thought Honey was a great foil for Bond and I'm sad to hear that she makes no further appearances in the series. It might be early days, but she could be one of my favourite Bond girls. She'll take some topping in any case. And I'm going to be singing that bloody 'mango tree' song for days now! Catchy little tune. I do wonder what happened to Sassy Snapalot though...does she reappear?! Is there potential for a spin-off series?
Anyway, I'm totally amped for the next one now. Next up...From Russia With Love.
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